Once More
by Flavius67
Summary: Set after the defeat of the Reapers, Kaidan finds himself being torn apart by the death of Shepard. Liara and James struggle to help as the galaxy recovers from the carnage unleashed by the Reapers.
1. Part 1 - Broken

_A/N: Hello all. I've finally convinced myself that after all these years of reading what other people write that I should give it a go myself. It's been a few years since I've put pen to paper, so it should be an interesting experience to say the least. Since playing ME3 I've been wanting to write my own take on Kaidan and Shepard. _Once More_ is set shortly after the defeat of the Reapers and, amongst other things, should deal with what all good stories do; love and loss. Feel free to leave comments etc, like I said it's been years since I've tried writing so any feedback is welcome. Enjoy. _

**Part 1 - Broken**

Kaidan Alenko, humanity's second Spectre, Alliance Major, and one of the heroes of the Battle of Earth, was quietly getting drunk.

He sat in the soft glow of Earth's setting sun. The bar, aptly named Twilight, was located in one of the Citadel's less frequented wards. Reasonably clean and without the usual press of people found on the higher wards it was a place where Kaidan could come when faced with the all-to-frequent need to escape.

He shot back another mouthful of the vile liquid which the salarian bartender swore was Johnnie Black. Kaidan knew that was an outright lie. He knew, for instance, that most of the distilleries responsible for producing Mr Walker's Amber Restorative on Earth had been destroyed during the Reaper invasion. An actual glass of this stuff right now could probably buy him a nice house on the French Riviera. But then there was nothing left of the Riviera either.

There was just ash and death as far as the eye could see.

Kaidan shook his head, trying to push back the dark. In the months since their apparent victory over the Reapers he had settled into a steady routine. The rebuilding effort was well and truly under way and the Alliance was desperate for anyone and everyone who could help. But they weren't too sure what to make of him. As an Alliance soldier his duties were clear. As a Spectre he had a remarkable amount of freedom and power. The two didn't exactly mix well in the hard edged world of military hierarchy and responsibility. So he would parade each morning at the Alliance embassy and was usually told by a nervous colonel that he was not required for anything. He would then wander aimlessly around what was left of the Citadel until late afternoon when he would come here to Twilight and get thoroughly rat faced. He was treated with a sort of careful neglect. So long as he made no waves, the Alliance was willing to leave him well enough alone.

But then there were the nights when the booze didn't quite take the edge off and the darkness got in. It was those nights that Kaidan dreaded more than anything. It usually ended with him curled up beneath the sheets in his room screaming into his pillow. Sleep was even worse. The migraines would have been a release. He woke from the nightmares shouting and clawing at the sweat soaked sheets with tears pouring down his face. He'd fall back, a sobbing wreck and pray for sunlight to chase away his demons.

He clenched his teeth and gripped his glass tightly. Kaidan could feel his heart start to race as he choked back hot tears. A deep, black hole began to open in the pit of gut. Tonight was going to be one of those nights.

He felt more than heard the footsteps behind him. He caught a blue reflection in the viewport glass and hurriedly wiped his face on his sleeve. A delicate hand brushed his shoulder and a soft voice tried to pierce the gloom.

"Kaidan," Liara said. "It's good to … "

Her words faltered and Kaidan knew that she had seen the tears. He tried to blink them away but knew that it was too late. Liara set her glass down as she sat next to him and gently pulled him closer, as though her presence alone could chase away the night. Her hand on the side of his face was soft. It took Kaidan every ounce of self-control but he managed to hold the raging torrent inside him at bay. At least for the moment.

When he was sure that he wasn't going to collapse Kaidan looked up at Liara and tried to force a smile. The twisted grimace of pain that spread across his face nearly made Liara flinch.

"I understand Kaidan," She looked down at her own glass. "I really do."

"I know". His voice was hoarse. He didn't speak to many people these days.

She was one of only a handful of people who would understand. Liara had been there since the very beginning. Kaidan could still remember when they found her. Trying to free her from a Prothean stasis field whilst being shot at by Saren's geth had been one hell of an introduction. Kaidan had been so sure that they were going to die in those tunnels. Being chased by geth intent on killing them had scared the shit out him. They'd barely managed to get out alive before the whole ruin collapsed on top of them.

Liara had been with them ever since, standing side by side in the face of whatever the universe could throw at them. Even when Kaidan had turned his back on Shepard, she had been there for him. In that time the young asari had grown from a nervous, bookish academic, to a power in her own right. She was confident, calm and intelligent. No wonder Shepard had fallen for her.

"How'd you find me?" he asked.

Liara gave a small smile. "Shadow Broker, remember? If I could find the Crucible plans and help root out Cerberus then I think I can find an old friend sitting in a bar on the same space station as me."

Kaidan gave a small laugh, appreciating the attempt at humour. He was doing his best to try and claw his way back and actually have a conversation. But it was like trying to swim through mud. The effort was exhausting him. All he could think of was a pair of dark brown eyes, soft lips and strong hands.

"I thought that you'd already left for Thessia?" he mumbled.

Liara nodded her head towards the void in front of them. "I was just about to leave when I got a call from a friend of mine on Earth who wants to meet. I thought that I would come by this way and see how you were doing."

She gave Kaidan a brave smile which quickly faltered. Kaidan knew how he must look. The dark circles under bloodshot eyes and three day growth didn't help. The only thing worse than the pain he felt was constantly trying and failing to rid himself of it. He took another shot of the cheap booze and felt it settle like liquid fire in his gut.

"You could probably have found someone a little better. I'm not the best company to keep these days."

There was silence for a moment as the two of them regarded their drinks. Kaidan cursed himself for killing the mood. He found that he simply couldn't talk these days without the misery he felt infecting every word. It was getting to the point where people at the embassy avoided him. Even the bar staff here knew not to ask any questions. He'd overheard one turian behind the bar whispering to a colleague to just keep his glass topped and never to speak with him.

"Listen, I'm sorry Liara. I know you're just trying to cheer me up and I'm just being a miserable - "

"We're worried about you", Liara cut in. Kaidan was only half aware. He was back on the _Normandy_. He was safe, warm and loved. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to come back to this shitty little bar with the cold and lonely apartment and empty bed. Liara's voice sounded far away.

"All of us are. Garrus said you were a mess before he was recalled to Palaven, and James says every time you meet you reek of whatever that is", she said indicating the glass.

"Well it's certainly not Johnnie Black", Kaidan mumbled.

Liara smiled ruefully and placed a hand on his. "I'm sorry Kaidan. We're just worried about you. Shepard's death hit us all hard and … well we just want you to know that you're not alone in all this. We're all here for you, whenever you need us."

Kaidan could only bring himself to nod. She'd said it. Everywhere Kaidan went people said Shepard's name as though he ranked up there with Christ and Buddha. Kaidan did everything he could to keep from saying that name. Because every time he did he was forced to admit the truth. Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre, decorated hero of the Alliance, saviour of the galaxy and the man whom Kaidan had loved with all his heart was dead.

It was going to be one of those nights.

Kaidan could feel the hot rush of tears again. That black void in his stomach opened up and started to slowly gnaw away at his soul. The lights in the bar seemed to dim, and the background noise of the other patrons grew quiet. He could imagine himself falling into that void and vanishing forever. There'd be nothing left behind but an empty stool, an unpaid bar tab and a lonely apartment. No one would miss him.

"We all miss him Kaidan", Liara said. "After the explosion everyone was looking for him. I know it hurts even more that there was never a body that you could lay to rest. But you have to move past this. You know it's what Shepard would have wanted. Wasting away here in a bar looking out over everything he died for…that would kill him Kaidan."

There was silence when she was done. Kaidan couldn't think of anything to say in return. How could he? How could any of them understand?

"Did you know that we use to talk about you?" said Liara.

Her question caught him off guard. Why would they have talked about him? Shepard and Liara had been together years ago, shortly after meeting. It was with no small regret that Kaidan remembered the maelstrom of conflicting emotions he'd felt during that time. Ever guilty that he'd never made his feelings felt sooner. But there had been so much going on. There was the desperate search for Saren and their headlong dash to the Citadel in order to stop the Sovereign. Not to mention Shepard's first death and later resurrection at the hands of Cerberus. Kaidan's betrayal… There it was. More remorse and pain.

"What did he talk to you about?"

Liara gently swirled her drink and took a sip before answering. "He wanted to ensure that if anything happened between you two that it wasn't going to hurt me. When I told him I was happy for him, he wanted to know what I thought of you."

"What did you say?"

There was a faraway look in Liara's eyes when she answered. "I told him that if worlds were burning and everything we knew was coming to an end that he should grab on to whoever made his world seem brighter and love all the fiercer for it."

Kaidan gave a small smile. "Thanks, Liara". The silence dragged on unanswered for a few moments before Kaidan could ask his next question. "Did you love him?"

Liara turned to regard him and for a moment Kaidan was reminded that he was looking at someone wise beyond her years. Young by asari standards, Liara had nevertheless achieved a remarkable amount for such a short lifetime. Asari were usually in their fourth or fifth century before they matured as she had.

"Yes. His death hurt me deeply, Kaidan. But I realise now that what we had in the beginning was just two people trying desperately to hold on to life in the face of so much death. All we wanted was to feel alive."

She shook her head. "When it ended there was no bitterness. I love … loved … him Kaidan, but as a friend. You were different. I could see it in his eyes when you two were together. The way that he spoke about you said everything. I used to tease him. He'd drop the whole Commander Shepard routine and just become a man in love. There were so many tell-tale signs, which to anyone who hadn't spent years around him would have been unnoticeable. But to those of us who knew him, Kaidan, by the end he was wearing his heart on his sleeve. Goddess, he loved you Kaidan. If I know nothing else, I know that."

Kaidan looked out of the window to the view of Earth. Great dark clouds were still smeared over its surface. Most of Earth's great metropolises had gone up in flames, leaving behind clouds of ash and debris that would circulate for years to come. There were cities down there that were nothing more than huge scars gouged in the surface, some even visible from space. No one was even game to guess at how long the rebuilding would take or exactly how many had died.

It was just as bad everywhere else. The pictures Kaidan had seen of Palaven and Thessia still made his stomach churn. The turians had been hammered hard in their home system. The destruction wrought on Thessia had been brutal. Whole continents almost sterilised. The initial euphoria of victory had worn off. People were no longer amazed and grateful that they were alive and were starting to take stock of just how bad the damage really was. Things would never be the same again.

Kaidan knew what it had cost him.

"It's hard, you know?" he said. "I still hear his voice on the news. I hear it everywhere. Hackett released the audio for his last call from the Citadel. People cheer when they hear it. They hear a hero striving to save them. But he was in so much pain, Liara."

Kaidan choked back another sob. He clenched his jaws and gripped his glass so hard it nearly shattered. It was all he could do not to scream. He could feel the walls starting to give way and his self-control was slipping.

"People of all races idealise Shepard, Liara. And why shouldn't they? He saved the galaxy. Everything that happens from now on does so because he gave everything to make sure all of us could have a future."

He shot back the last of his drink, gripping hard at the table's edge.

"Hell, I hear that the krogan are even naming some of their new children after him. And every single god damned day I get to hear just how much they all love him for dying for them. Worst of all, Liara, is that he was alone in the end."

There it was. A great wave that crested the bulwark. A final push that sent him spiralling over the edge. It was a torrent that carried him far and deep.

"He was completely alone."

Liara stood, gently took Kaidan by the shoulders and guided him from the bar. A quick cab ride and they swiftly navigated the warren of streets and hallways amidst the ever present din of construction work to his apartment.

Kaidan turned to her as they arrived at the front door. "Thanks. I'm a fucking mess these days. I'm sorry to drag you down."

She hugged him and whispered in his ear. "We've been there for each other for years Kaidan. I know you'd do the same. You know, I'm still here on the Citadel for a couple of days. We should get together again. I was thinking of going down to the Brisbane refugee centre tomorrow and seeing what I can do."

A strange look came over Kaidan's face. Liara had seen it before. Humans called it the thousand yards stare. She placed a hand on his arm. "Kaidan?"

"Hmm? Sorry, what was that?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to get together tomorrow."

"Oh. Yeah, sure. I…I'm pretty free these days. Come by whenever."

With that Kaidan swiped the door open and stepped inside, leaving Liara standing in the hallway with a look of concern on her face.

When the door slid closed he stood there in the cool dark of his apartment for a moment. A crushing sense of futility landed on him. The darkness around him seemed to come alive and suffocate him. He could hear a buzzing in his ears, and a steady pressure building behind his eyes. A migraine now just added physical pain to his loneliness.

A despair he'd never known engulfed him completely. There were no tears this time. Instead Kaidan was suffused with a dreadful clarity of purpose as he headed towards the bathroom.


	2. Part 2 - The Race Back

_A/N: A big thanks to all those who have started following the story. I hope that you all continue to enjoy it. I should post a new chapter roughly every week. I'll try to aim for a Saturday or Sunday release. Without further delay, I hope you like part 2._

**Part 2 – The Race Back**

Liara had her head down in deep thought as she walked towards the taxi rank near Kaidan's apartment block. She ignored all outside interference and let her mind examine what she knew. It was a trick she had learnt at university on Thessia, and it worked remarkably well. Her mind had a way of finding solutions if she just let it wander.

What she had told Kaidan was mostly the truth. James Vega had contacted Liara on Earth several days ago to tell her just how bad Kaidan was getting.

"I don't know, Doc," Vega had said. "I mean, I'm seeing some messed up people here. Whole hospitals crammed full of them. Man's got a right to keep his pain private. But there's something about Kaidan that makes me worry, you know? He spends his days drinking like a fish in some shitty bar up on Rouchan Ward. I've tried getting him to come out with me and the boys, but he won't budge. He just sits there all night crying over glasses of cheap booze. There's an edge to it that's really starting to really worry me, Doc."

Vega's warning had sounded a bell for Liara. The loss of Shepard and their miraculous survival of the battle for Earth had suffused Liara with a determination to pull Kaidan out of his stupor. They had not survived something as overwhelming as the Reapers just to start losing friends to this sort of darkness. She would not let it happen.

But what to do? How could she bring Kaidan back? She understood, to a point, the love Kaidan had for Shepard. She had shed her own tears after his death. In time she had made her peace and mourned the loss of a great man and a good friend, but each of them had moved on in their own way. Kaidan had not, or could not, and the weight of that pain was pulling him down.

Just before approaching Kaidan in Twilight, she'd dropped a subtle little hacking program into the Alliance Medical Corps database. Getting information from the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance Branch was a little beyond what she could do here and now, but as an Alliance Marine Kaidan still had a military record that was certainly easier to access. She did feel a twinge of guilt at invading his privacy like that, but after seeing him in Twilight Liara doubted she'd be able to get much out of Kaidan and she needed everything she could to help.

As she approached a line of waiting taxis her omni-tool lit up. The worm had done its job, and after carefully relaying through half of the servers on the Citadel was reporting back to her. She brought up his records and carefully sifted through them whilst waiting for a taxi.

It was written with the same terse, emotionless hand that seemed prevalent across the universe in every military ever birthed. His service record praised his actions before, during and after the Reaper War. There were a few redacted paragraphs that she managed to break aside but nothing too revealing. The only point of interest was a brief note from a Colonel Hsu, who noted with some concern Kaidan's gradual slide downwards.

_Recently, Major Alenko has paraded for duty whilst still intoxicated. Following an informal reprimand, he will continue to be monitored for further improvement …_

_Brushed under the rug if ever I've heard it_, Liara thought. She'd heard that the Alliance was being a bit delicate with Kaidan. Shepard had been the exception to the rule, but a second Spectre wearing Alliance rank was starting to upset people. A soldier without boundaries was a dangerous thing.

His medical record was equally unhelpful, almost to the point of being suspicious. Liara had seen Alliance medical sheets before. Dr Chakwas had kept one on her, and for a biotic like Kaidan it should have been packed with information. What there was revealed only a host of minor ailments as a result of his implants, his ongoing migraines and a few hospitalisations. There was once when he was young due to injuries sustained on Gagarin Station, another during basic training due to his implants and one … recently.

Liara frowned as she read on. Three weeks ago he'd been admitted to Huerta Memorial for three days, but that was all. James hadn't mentioned anything about that. The note read 'minor surgery followed by observation' before being released. Apparently he'd signed himself out.

That voice in her head was telling her to pay close attention. She made a few subtle changes to the worm and sent it to the Huerta Memorial mainframe. The few firewalls weren't too much of a hassle. There was no record of what Kaidan had been admitted for.

She quickly hacked the hospital's surveillance system and loaded Kaidan's profile. Facial recognition software identified him being wheeled into the emergency room. Liara's heart skipped. Why was Kaidan being wheeled into the Emergency Room? And why was there no record of his treatment?

But like all public institutions, there were records. It didn't take much to follow the video footage to find out what room Kaidan had been staying in, then run a search through the hospital's database for a record of the drugs and nurses' notes for that room on those dates. Two things jumped out at Liara, and her heart nearly stopped. He'd been restrained and administered Zenophrine, an asari antidepressant tailored for biotic physiology.

She'd stopped with her hand on the taxi roof, half inside. A salarian behind her gave an impatient cough that she failed to notice. Liara was gazing off over the top of the waiting car. That look on his face, what he had said at Twilight, and that determined set to his shoulders just as they had farewelled each other, suddenly didn't seem so insignificant. Suddenly it seemed so much more sinister.

"Are you getting in or not?" the salarian asked.

The way he'd acted at the bar. The disturbing feeling Vega had. It suddenly dawned on Liara, a horrible possibility that made her heart skip and her blood run cold. The salarian walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Listen asari, we've all got places to be-"

Liara spun around so quickly the salarian yelped as he jumped back. She barrelled into him, knocking him to the ground as she sprinted along the concourse to the hallway leading back towards Kaidan's apartment, leaving a stunned group of onlookers in her wake.

She'd never run so fast in her life. Not on Therum, not on the Collector base, not even on Thessia. Her arms and legs pumped as she ran through hallways and leapt up stairs, skipping the lifts. She slammed into walls as she took hard corners and shoved people out of the way as she went. It seemed to take forever to reach Kaidan's apartment but finally she was there. She drew a ragged breath and pounded her fist on the door.

"Kaidan!" she yelled, not caring who heard her. "Kaidan open up! Please, Kaidan, open the door!"

There was nothing. Only silence. She tried the door's lock and found it secured. She swore. It would take too long to hack. Panic was starting to creep into her voice.

"Kaidan, it's Liara! Please don't! Just open the front door, please!"

A few doors along the hallway opened up as people came to investigate the noise. Liara didn't notice them; her mind was racing. She threw caution to the wind and stepped back. A blue glow sprung to life around her. She hurled every last ounce of biotic strength she could against the door. People yelled in surprise as the door buckled under the assault, exploding back into the apartment.

Liara was right behind it. She leapt into the front room and took only a moment to survey the dark, bare surroundings. There was a light coming from the bathroom.

Everything seemed to slow down as she approached the door. An icy hand had gripped her heart. She felt that if only she didn't look it would somehow not be true. Somehow everything would be alright. Maybe she was overreacting. He was probably just in the shower, angry that Liara had just destroyed his front door. Of course, that's all there was to it. She looked inside.

Time froze entirely and Liara knew that as long as she lived, she would never remember anything with as much clarity as she would this moment.

It all leapt out at her in magnificent detail. The cheap floral pattern on the tiles above the wash basin was fading. There was a crack in the bottom right corner of the shower door. A bottle of shampoo was tipped over on the sink. The tap was dripping. There was Kaidan, slumped against the far wall. His chin was resting against his chest. And there was blood.

"Kaidan?" she whispered. He didn't look up. Falling to her knees beside him, she grabbed Kaidan's shoulders and shook him. "Kaidan? Kaidan…Kaidan!" she shrieked.

Why wouldn't he wake up? There was blood everywhere. His arms hung limply upon the ground, blood pooling around his wrists. She grabbed a towel from the wrack and tried to tear it into bandages. Her hands were shaking so badly that she couldn't tear the seam. She threw the towel down and staggered toward the door, sobbing.

"Wait here … I'll … I'll get … something. You'll be alright Kaidan."

She didn't notice the people standing at the door. One man looked nervously inside and raised his hand, trying to get her attention as she stumbled into the kitchen.

"Is everything alright miss?" he asked.

Liara was throwing open cupboards and tearing out the contents. Cutlery and food were scattered carelessly over the kitchen floor. She was only vaguely aware of the question.

"I need to find … he would have had one. I know he would have … here!"

She ripped a first aid kit out and ran back into the bathroom. She couldn't open the box; her fingers wouldn't work properly. She finally got a grip and pulled. The first aid kit exploded, its contents scattered over the floor. The bandages fell into a puddle of blood.

"Oh, Goddess … I'm sorry Kaidan, just let me..."

She managed to wrap both his wrists tightly in the blood-soaked bandages. There was a knock behind her and Liara heard the same man from before speaking from the bathroom door.

"Miss, is everything alright? We heard some noises and … Jesus Christ! Amy! Amy! Call an ambulance now!"

Jesus Christ? Some distant part of her mind recalled a human anthropology seminar she'd been to on Thessia. He was a quasi-mythical saviour figure from Earth's past promising redemption from sin and salvation. It was the same theme with religions the galaxy over. There was a morbid fascination with the afterlife.

Afterlife. Death. Kaidan!

Suddenly, Liara was shocked back into action. The enormity of what she was facing slammed into her. Her mind abruptly went from a series of numb, automatic actions to a roaring blur of images. Kaidan was in trouble, and she had to help.

"Help! Somebody!" she screamed.

She could feel herself slipping. She didn't know what else to do.

"Why Kaidan? Why?!"

There were gasps behind her as people realised what was going on. Tears were running silently down her face as she rounded on the people at the door.

"Somebody help me!" she shrieked.

The agony in her voice shocked some of them into action. She could hear shouts for a doctor but it all faded into the background. She gripped Kaidan's head as people rushed into the bathroom to help. When the paramedics arrived and pushed their way past the group of shocked onlookers they found Liara cradling Kaidan's head in her lap. She was softly repeating a nursery rhyme she remembered her mother singing to her when she was little. It was meant to chase away nightmares.

One of the paramedics carefully pulled her away while the others went to work. She looked up at him from where she knelt and spoke in a flat monotone.

"He's hurt," she said. It was important that they know that. Kaidan was hurt.

"Yes, ma'am. You've done a good job. We'll take it from here."

She struggled to stand. She was having a great deal of trouble focusing on the paramedic's face. Her eyes kept drifting to a bright reflector strip on his uniform's left arm. "You need to help him."

"Yes, ma'am. You've done a good job. We need to stabilise him and get him to Huerta Memorial. Do you know where that is?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"Good. We're going to take him there now. If you know any friends or family, can you contact them and let them know what's happened?"

She nodded mutely. The paramedic indicated to someone behind her and a pair of hands pulled Liara close. One of the women from the crowd stepped forward and let Liara rest her head against her shoulder as they all watched the grisly scene play out before them. IV drips were put in and sensors attached to Kaidan's chest. The bandages were examined and left in place. It all seemed so mechanical, as though they weren't working on a person. A strange detached feeling came over her. It was as though she was watching it all through someone else's eyes.

As quickly as they had come, the paramedics were suddenly loading Kaidan onto a stretcher and carrying him from the room. The sudden silence was deafening. People stood around unsure of what to do. Liara found herself being cradled against the woman's chest. The sound of her steady heart beating was strangely comforting. A part of her wondered if it was Amy.

She could hear voices, but they were nothing more than a distant hum. Liara's gaze was lost in the pools of blood splashed against the floor. Kaidan's blood. It was everywhere. She put her hands to her mouth as she gasped and suddenly admitted what had happened. The woman hugged her close as Liara turned her head and began to sob uncontrollably.


	3. Part 3 - What Has He Done?

_A/N: Introducing Lt. James Vega. I always thought that James never really got to develop as a character in the game. Since ME3's release there's been a few details regarding his past that have come to light, so I want to try and work them in and develop him a little bit more as a real character as opposed to the hired muscle he seems to be in the game._

**Part 3 – What Has He Done?**

The harsh neon glare was the only thing keeping James Vega awake. He hadn't slept for the better part of three days. His head was pounding, his eyes felt like someone had rubbed sand in them, and he had a crunching headache and generally just felt like shit. After not sleeping for that long a person's mind started to play tricks on them, and James' had rocketed past the point of no return about six hours ago. He was well and truly lost in his own personal no-man's land. It took him a few moments before he realised that his supervising officer was trying to ask him something. James wondered how long he'd been talking.

"What do you think, Lt Vega?"

He didn't know what to think. How could he? There were far more important things for him to worry about right now, like keeping his eyes open and not passing out on the desk. It was a struggle just to focus on the screen, much less make sense of what was on it. It could have been Egyptian hieroglyphics, or a takeaway menu for a Chinese restaurant. It took a few seconds, but eventually James thought that he recognised a pattern.

_Fuck this. I'm about to fall over. Just make a __damned__ decision._

He stabbed a finger at the large holographic map arrayed before him. Rolling hills, towns, roads and MAG-Lev lines were laid out before him, making him feel like some virtual deity. Which ordinarily would have been cool, but James doubted he could spell his own name right now. That sounded like something a god should be able to do. "There. They're located there, sir. In between the town's power and water treatment plant." That sounded good. Didn't it?

The instructor leant over his shoulder and glared at the location that James had indicated. The only emotion that the man gave away was one of quiet disapproval. But then again he'd been like that for three days now. It didn't seem to matter what he did. All James knew for certain was that he'd done it all wrong. He had reported for N7 testing at the Alliance embassy expecting a battery of physical tests. He'd expected push ups, pulls up, sit ups, runs, swims, probes, injections, examinations, gruelling physical tests, endurance marches and just about every other test that he could think of.

Instead, the first test that he'd sat was a language proficiency test. It was, without a doubt, the strangest test that James had ever sat. He was given two hours to go through a hundred questions relating to a made up language. He'd been shown pictures with sentences beneath them and asked to point out verbs, adjectives, nouns and pronouns galore. Afterwards James had fully expected to be told he'd failed and politely shown the door. Instead he had been shown to another room for another test. And that was the way that it had been for three days now. To make matters worse, he never received any feedback on how he was progressing.

The exact details of N7 testing were a closely guarded secret, and no amount of investigating by James had revealed anything useful before starting. No one would tell him anything. The formal letter of offer had recommended several Alliance written IQ tests designed to prepare him for what was innocently dubbed 'The Introduction Phase'. Introduction to what? The only thing that hurt after all this time was his head.

James figured that it must be coming to an end soon. He was about ready to pass out from the lack of sleep and he hadn't even done a single push up. The most physical activity that he'd performed was moving from one room to another. That had become surprisingly difficult of late.

This last test had him looking at different intelligence sources, which individually didn't seem related but when put together _suggested_ the location of an enemy operative trying to sabotage the infrastructure of a fictional town. The instructor made a note on a tablet that he was carrying. James had stopped trying to guess what the instructors thought of him. It was impossible to tell. Then again, James was so tired the instructor probably could have backhanded him and he wouldn't have known what to think of that either.

It felt pretty clear to James he'd failed miserably. If he was honest with himself, most of the answers that he had given over the past three days were little more than guesses. His self-esteem was somewhere on the floor two rooms over, and he was desperate to get to bed. The only thing keeping him going was a promise he'd made to a good man not so very long ago.

"Thank you, Lt Vega. That will be all."

James blinked. "What?"

The instructor took a deep breath and placed a hand on James' shoulder, looking directly at him. "The testing is complete, Mr Vega. Return to your post and you'll be contacted once the results are known."

"That's it? I can go?"

"Yes, Lt Vega."

James heaved himself out of his seat and staggered out into the hallway. There was no one there to see him out. The embassy seemed deserted. What time was it? It took a moment for him to get his bearings before he started shuffling towards the exit. All that he could think of now was getting back to his apartment and bed. He would worry about just how badly he had failed later. Now all he wanted was sleep.

He hailed a taxi and slumped into the back seat. James ran a hand over his face, gazing absent mindedly out the window as the lights of the Presidium flashed by. He felt drained, but now that he could actually relax he couldn't bring himself to sleep. Doubt gnawed at his insides.

_Shepard believed that I could be an N7. Sponsored me and everything…and here I am, fucking it all up._

Suddenly he was back in Los Angeles remembering the last time that he let someone down. Then there was Felh Prime. And of course, there was Shepard…all of them, let down by him. James swore under his breath and punched the arm rest, gritting his teeth as he reigned in his temper.

James sat there, letting all his doubts, fears and anger take over. He felt sick, mostly at himself. _What a fucking waste of time. _

There was an incessant beeping that brought him back to reality. It took a moment for the him to push through the mental haze clouding his mind before he realised his omni-tool was registering a call coming from Liara.

"Hey there, Doc," he answered. "I'm a little out of it right now, any chance that I could call you back?"

Whatever else he had been about to say trailed off as Liara spoke. The first thing he noticed was that she had been crying. Liara spoke quickly, and by the time she was done James had completely forgotten about the N7 testing and just how tired he was. He had already tapped the driver on the shoulder and wired the extra credits his way.

"Get me to Huerta Memorial, amigo. And make it fucking quick."

* * *

The Huerta Memorial Hospital was just as Liara remembered it. Cold, sterile and reeking of antiseptic. Doctors and nurses from every race hurrying about, pouring over charts or huddled in quiet but fervent conversation. Despite all the activity it was still unnaturally quiet. That hadn't always been the case. The war had pushed the staff of Huerta hard. The last time that she had been here it had looked like an abattoir. Patients had lined the hallways on stretchers, beds or even just lying on the floor. Ironically enough that had also been to see Kaidan.

It was strange being back here. Gone was that sense of desperation. The normal activities of everyday life had resumed. Huerta Memorial, just like the rest of the galaxy, was rebuilding itself. Liara found the whole scene somehow inappropriate. It didn't feel right. How could normal life carry on in the face of something so tragic? Nurses, orderlies and doctors all went about their business oblivious to the fact that a man's life had nearly come to an end.

Liara stood before a window looking in on Kaidan's room. He lay swathed in a white hospital gown with a drip hung from one arm. The only signs of life were the gentle rise and fall of his chest and the rhythmic beep of a heart monitor. His skin had a sickly grey pallor to it, and his eyes were sunken with dark circles under them. Most telling of all were the bandages. They snaked around his wrists all the way to his elbows.

As she stood there looking at Kaidan another great wave of shame broke over her. Never had she failed so completely in all of her life. Kaidan had nearly bled to death in front of her because she'd been too shocked to do something as simple as call an ambulance. If it hadn't been for the quick actions of others Liara knew she'd likely be standing in the morgue right now.

Once Liara had emerged from her shocked stupor she'd found the sense to return home, frantically change out of her bloodied clothing and make straight for Huerta Memorial. In the mad rush there was only one person that she could think of calling. The heavy footsteps hurrying up behind her announced his arrival.

"I came as soon as I could, Doc," James said. "Is he all right?"

There was a moment's silence before Liara spoke. She could barely bring herself to say the words; they seemed to stick in her throat. "They're calling it an attempted suicide…."

She choked off the rest of the sentence. It was too much to say it out loud.

James walked up to the window and pressed a hand against the glass as he looked in. A storm of emotions played across his face as he lent in close and rested his forehead against the cool glass. Pain and sadness mixed with disbelief. Liara could barely hear him as he spoke.

"Why?"

Liara was surprised. The only emotion that she had ever seen in him besides blithe humour was anger. She remembered the rage roiling around in him during the weeks following their escape from the Sol system. James had been so angered by Shepard's decision to withdraw. He'd thought it cowardly. Eventually Shepard had managed to convince him of the wisdom behind their flight, but James had never really become comfortable with the choice forced on him. He was someone use to tackling any threat head on.

But here he stood with a look of such hopeless pain upon his face that Liara had to catch herself as she took a step forward to comfort him. She had never seen him look like that before. He quickly pulled himself back under control and settled on a sick grimace as if bracing himself for some horrible task.

"Tell me what happened, Liara. Tell me everything."

So Liara did. It started out slowly and haltingly, but before too long she was in tears again as the words came rushing from her. She told of the sight of Kaidan at the bar, the drunken desperation in his eyes as he shot back another round. There was the fear in his voice when he spoke of life without Shepard. It was almost too much for her to recount what she had seen in the apartment.

"I tore the door down when he didn't answer, James. And when I found him on the bathroom floor I…." She had to struggle to force the rest of it out, but she squared her shoulders and ploughed ahead, even if the words did come out strained. "He was on the floor, and there was blood everywhere. He'd cut his wrists, James. I couldn't believe it. Kaidan slashed his wrists. He tried to kill himself!"

Before she could carry on further, James stepped forward and took her by the shoulders. "I might not have known you as long as the others have, Liara, but I've seen you in action and I know that when the shit hit the fan you did everything that you could to help him."

"But -"

"But nothing, Liara. I've been the sharp point of the Alliance's stick for long enough to see soldiers play the blame game when people die. You might not wear a uniform but you're a fighter at heart. So you do away with all that other crap. Stop beating yourself up and just remember right now he's alive and safe. And he owes that to you."

"But someone has to be held to blame!" Liara shouted suddenly. She clapped her hands over her mouth and stared wide-eyed at James for a moment in shock at what she had said.

James turned to look again at Kaidan again as he spoke. "He is, Liara. Kaidan's to blame. I know it's not an easy thing to stomach, but he put himself in that bed, and he put you through the ordeal of getting him there. I know that it might feel wrong and make you feel selfish, but when you get down to the bones there's nothing truer than the decision Kaidan made. You've got to learn to deal with that, Liara. It's ok to feel angry at him. And it's important that you forgive him for it."

Liara felt as though someone had thrown cold water in her face. The pain and turmoil she'd been through over the past few hours had overwhelmed her. The roiling storm of emotions had left her terrified, exhausted, guilt ridden and confused. And now she could recognise her own anger. James had cut through all that uncertainty like a knife and she realised that he was right. There was a part of her that was angry at Kaidan. She was angry at him for doing this, for trying to force the pain of his death on her and his friends and for putting her through the terror of saving him. It was as though some great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She drew a deep breath and wiped her eyes before continuing.

"Thank you very much, James. I think that I needed that."

He nodded and gave a lopsided grin. "I'm not just a pretty face, Liara."

She could see that now. At first, Liara had to admit she'd dismissed James as just another muscle-bound grunt too concerned with the width of his shoulders. She'd been around the Alliance long enough to know his type. But as the war had progressed, and even more so now, Liara was reminded that here stood a man who had fought and suffered and survived it all. She silently swore never to judge like that again.

"What do we do now? Are you alright?" she asked.

That sad look fell over his face once more as James turned to regard the sleeping figure of Kaidan. Liara walked up next to him and laid a hand gently on his shoulder. James turned his head and smiled at her as he took her hand.

"Thanks, Liara. I'll be alright for the moment. We've got other stuff to deal with. I'm surprised that someone from the Alliance brass isn't here already. Kaidan's not exactly a small fish. Humanity's second Spectre trying to kill himself should have rung a few alarm bells."

Now that Liara thought about it she was struck by the oddity of it herself. Why hadn't someone from the Alliance turned up? However, given the state of the affairs on Earth at the moment she could see why they would be a little tardy with the affairs of one man.

"Kaidan's never really played up his position in the Alliance," Liara said. "It's my understanding that he held a fairly high position in your military's biotic program. He always seemed so quiet and unassuming for someone as important as humanity's second Spectre."

James took a seat off to one side and invited Liara to do the same. The two of them sat there for a moment looking up at the ceiling. They were both lost in thought before James broke the silence.

"You know he told me once that serving under Shepard happened almost by accident?" James said.

"Really?"

"True. Said he was more eager to be working under Anderson. It was only after that shit storm with the geth on Eden Prime that he saw Shepard in his element. Until then he was just another XO. I mean everyone on the ship knew what had happened on Akuze. They didn't really know what to think about him. Personally I'd have been fucking terrified to have someone with Shepard's rep leading me back then."

Liara knew something of the pain Shepard had carried around with him after losing so many men on Akuze. It had been a minor miracle that he'd gotten out at all, and the sense of survivor's remorse had plagued him for years. In one of his darker hours, Shepard once confessed to Liara just how close he had come to leaving the Alliance after Akuze. She had always got the impression that Shepard had left a part of himself behind on that planet for good.

"Kaidan told me that Shepard had something of a dark reputation when he come aboard the Normandy", James explained. "There was a lot of whispering going on with the crew, wondering how this guy lost his whole unit but somehow _he_ survived. Being a commander _and _the sole survivor of something like Akuze... Well let's just say that the crew of the Normandy were waiting to see just what sort of person John Shepard really was".

James laughed ruefully as he continued. "But then came Eden Prime. Kaidan said he fought like a god damned demon. Kaidan and Ashley Williams sat around afterwards and couldn't believe the rumours that this was meant to be the some guy who got his team killed on Akuze."

Mentioning Ashley made Liara turn to James. "Shepard was torn apart after Virmire. Ashley's death hit him hard. He never really spoke about it to anyone".

James hesitated for a moment, glancing nervously at his hands before clenching them. "He did with me. After I told him about Fehl Prime".

Liara saw just how exhausted James looked. It was as though that admission had drained the last bit of energy out of him, leaving him empty. Virmire. Eden Prime. Palaven. Thessia. The Citadel. Goddess, she was sick of death. Sick to her bones. It didn't feel right to say anything, so instead she let the silence linger and the two of them sat for a minute. It was as if the two of them had reached some unspoken agreement. James suddenly stood and turned to face Liara.

"We do everything to help him, Liara. No matter what, we help him. He's too good a person to let go like this. We don't ever give up, and we bring him back. It's what we should do. And it's what Shepard would want."

Liara nodded, and she was struck by the truth of her own words. "Yes. We'll bring him back, James, no matter what."


	4. Part 4 - Heartbreaking

**Part 4 – Heartbreaking **

Kaidan woke from a deep sleep and found himself looking at a large fish tank. Its soft blue glow cast a dim light over the room. Great shadows hugged the corners and for a moment he couldn't remember where he was. The room seemed so familiar, as though he had been here countless times before, but there was something strange about it. There was a faint breeze carrying a smell that he could almost recognise and a sound just on the edge of hearing. What was it?

A gentle rustle of the sheets next to him spurred a memory. A contented smile spread across his face as he rolled over and saw who was lying next to him. Shepard was still asleep. A feeling of unabashed joy welled up inside Kaidan and for a moment it was all he could do not to grab hold of Shepard and shake him awake. But something told Kaidan to leave him be. It didn't seem right to wake him.

The breeze blew again. He could make out the smell now. Something was burning. It was faint, but certainly there. Something was on fire. And the noise was back. So quiet, but still noticeable if he paid attention. It was a series of quick snaps. He tried to ignore it. He didn't want to leave this bed ever again.

He rolled towards Shepard and slipped an arm across his chest, drawing himself closer. Shepard gave a soft laugh and Kaidan realised that he'd probably been awake the whole time. Kaidan rested his head on Shepard's shoulder and breathed deep. The warmth of Shepard beneath his hand, the life pumping just beneath his skin, and the smell of him so close all combined to create a special sort of alchemy. A feeling of serenity completely enveloped Kaidan. All he wanted was to hold on to this moment, this man, forever.

If only it wasn't for that noise.

It was getting louder. And it sounded like it was getting closer. A dull roar began to build. The shadows in the room began to writhe and the ceiling overhead shook. Plaster and dust fell onto the sheets. Kaidan wanted to shout out but his voice wouldn't work. He wanted to sit up but his body went numb. He tried to think, but his mind was blank. Shepard rolled over and opened his eyes just in time for the sound of gunfire and explosions to overwhelm them. With a deafening thunder, the war rushed up to take him.

* * *

A wall of gunfire tore through the husks. Thousands of them fell, torn apart by the concentrated fire of hundreds of Alliance marines. The answering volley blasted chunks of masonry apart and sent men scrambling for cover. The push to get this far had been brutal. No one had any idea how many comrades lay dead or wounded behind them, but the orders had been clear. They were to push forward whatever the cost. The dead and those too wounded to carry on were to be left behind. It was cruel, heartless, and utterly necessary.

Kaidan knelt behind a window. It might have once been someone's living room but had long since been reduced to a gutted ruin. Garrus crouched next to him and hefted a long barrelled sniper rifle on to the windowsill and began taking shots. Shepard knelt beside them, his eyes racing over a map illuminated on his omni-tool, shouting over the radio.

"We have to keep pushing forward!" Garrus shouted.

"Are you insane?" someone answered. Kaidan recognised it as Major Coats. The British officer was filthy, but then again they all were. His armour was scored where rounds had struck him. It was a miracle that the man wasn't dead judging by some of the chunks blown off his chest plate alone. "There's nothing but open ground between us and the beam. It's a god damned killing field out there!"

"We can't stop," Garrus shouted back. "If we do it's only a matter of time before we're overwhelmed. Husks are nothing. What do you think is going to happen if a Reaper lands in the middle of this? Either we make it to that beam or we die trying!"

"We could lose everyone out there!" Coats gasped in disbelief.

"We _will_ lose everyone if we stay here", Shepard replied. "We all knew it could come to this moment. This isn't war against an enemy who we can take ground from. These monsters are here to murder every man, woman and child they can find. Every death for them is a victory. It's time for the few to give for the many Major."

Kaidan could see the reality hit home and the resistance drain out of Coats as he relayed orders to the rest of the troops nearby. Commanders had to get used to the idea of putting men in harm's way. But Coats, and everyone else for that matter, knew this was different. God alone knew how many were going to die crossing that field and there was no guarantee of success at the other end. But it was the only choice they had.

Shepard looked out the window at the sea of dead husks before them. Not for the first time, Kaidan was struck by how cool he seemed under fire. Even the most battle hardened of infantry commanders usually showed some reservations at moments like those. A look of regret, a nervous fumbling of the hands, or a glance cast skyward. Not John Shepard. He knew what had to be done. He always had. Kaidan realised that from the first moment Shepard had seen Sovereign screaming into the clouds above Eden Prime, he had always known what to do. And now humanity, and the rest of the galaxy had placed their hopes at the feet of one man. John Shepard.

Shepard heaved himself to his feet and leapt out the window, Garrus and Kaidan right behind him. "Advance!" the order came. That one command resonated in the hearts and souls of every man and woman on the battle line. In one moment, Shepard's voice shook the entire universe to its core. As one, thousands of soldiers and marines from every race in the Citadel poured out of the ruins and streamed across the open ground, screaming defiance at the top of their lungs, straight into the waiting arms the Reapers.

* * *

Hot water poured over the two of them as they stood pressed together beneath the shower head. Their lovemaking up to this point had always had a frantic edge to it, as though both were aware it could be the last chance they had. This time it was different. Hands caressed instead of gripped, kisses were long and soft, and when Shepard was inside Kaidan, he held himself there as though savouring the moment.

Kaidan stood now with his arms wrapped around Shepard's waist, pressing hard against his back. He kissed the back of Shepard's neck and ran his hands down his stomach. The two of them were starting to harden as the playful stroking turned serious, drawing a soft laugh from Shepard.

"You are eager, aren't you?" he asked.

Shepard sucked in a short breath as Kaidan pressed inside of him. The two of them stood that way for a moment, taking solace in the comfort of this most intimate moment. Shepard braced himself against the shower wall and gently began to push. He turned his head and the two of them kissed. Kaidan reached down and pulled one of Shepard's legs up and pushed even deeper.

The pace slowly built and heavy breathing filled the bathroom. There was the inevitable rush, Kaidan gasped, shuddered and fell heavily against Shepard. For a moment the two of them stood there, blissfully exhausted, relishing being this close to one another. After what seemed a lifetime Shepard pulled forward and turned to face Kaidan, smiling lop-sided at him.

"Is everything alright?" Shepard asked.

"Tomorrow's it…isn't it?" Kaidan responded, already knowing the answer.

"Yes" Shepard answered after a moment. A shadow seemed to fall over him as he glanced nervously at his feet. At first Kaidan had found it strange to see how Shepard changed when they were alone. He could see now how Shepard put on a rather brave face for the people out there, projecting a confidence that he didn't necessarily feel. But once alone Shepard let his doubts surface. Kaidan had realised just how much trust was being placed in him. It was to Kaidan alone that he showed this side of himself. Not the brave commander, humanity's Spectre, Saviour of the Citadel. But John, a man plagued with doubts just like any other.

The silence hung heavy between them for a moment. All these years spent together and this was it. Tomorrow would be the culmination of years spent fighting. For all his efforts, for all the miracles John had wrought in the past few months alone, Kaidan knew that he was uncertain of what the future held. And fearful. There was still so much to be fearful of.

"I can still remember seeing Sovereign on Eden Prime" Kaidan said as he placed a hand on John's face and gently titled it back up so their eyes met. He could see the fear and uncertainty in them. "I can remember being so overwhelmed at the sight of something so alien and so powerful. It took an entire fleet to stop just one of those monsters at the Citadel and now there are thousands of them on Earth. And we're heading straight for them."

Shepard reached out and took Kaidan's chin in his hand. The two leaned close and shared a kiss. "We've done everything that we can" Kaidan said. "We've gathered everyone we can. The Crucible is ready. This is the best chance that we, the Alliance, humanity, and everyone have at survival."

A faint shiver passed through John. For a moment it looked as though all that terror and doubt would overwhelm him. The mask finally cracked. His brow furrowed, and his lips quivered. As he glanced nervously at Kaidan, there was a tremor in his voice as he spoke. "We're ready. Aren't we?"

Kaidan drew Shepard close, resting him on his shoulder and whispering. "We're here because of you John. I would never have thought that one person could do all this, but it's because of you that we're here. The whole galaxy has been brought together. If we have any chance, it's because of you."

Kaidan looked deep into those dark brown eyes. He wanted nothing more than to make him promise to come back alive, and a part of him suspected that Shepard was aware of that desire. But he couldn't bring himself to ask it. Too many years in uniform told him just how unfair it would be on both of them to ask something like that. Despite all the strength they'd gathered, they both knew that it was next to nothing compared with what was waiting for them on Earth. With all of their speeches and posturing, they were desperate. A lot of them wouldn't make it out alive.

* * *

"Use the Makos as cover!" someone screamed.

An explosion roared to life somewhere to Kaidan's left. The ground shook as another one blossomed behind him. Everyone was diving for cover. Officers and sergeants were trying desperately to keep some semblance of order. But the dash across the open ground had quickly degenerated, turning from an orderly advance into a mad rush towards the beam.

Kaidan slipped and fell hard, grunting as Garrus hauled him to his feet and shoved him behind a Mako. The vehicle commanders were trying to provide cover for the advance foot soldiers, leap frogging one another, but it was quickly falling apart. No one was in command. No one knew what was happening. One by one the vehicles were being picked off, dying in a hail of fire.

"This is madness!" Garrus shouted. "It's every man for himself out here!"

Kaidan watched as several geth stoically stood their ground against a wave of husks. A group of salarians were rushing to give support. Kaidan took aim and began firing for want of anything better to do. Husk tumbled and died, but then again so did humans, turians, asari and everyone else. There was simply no order. Everyone was just trying to survive from one second to the next.

Then, with an ear splitting roar, a Reaper arrived. The kilometres tall machine dropped from the sky with an agility that was horrifying in something so big. The ground shook as it landed behind the beam tower, and that thunderous roar had people clutching their heads.

Then suddenly, through the chaos of it all, he could see Shepard. His armour was burned and scarred and he was firing madly into a group of husks, shouting orders. Wherever he went order followed, people suddenly moved with a purpose and the horror of the Reapers seemed lessened somehow. Over the cacophony of gunfire and screams he could be clearly heard.

"This is it! It's now or never. Everyone push to the beam. Go! Go! Go!"

As though some invisible force enervated them, men and women, human and other, all screamed defiance at the mammoth creature barring the way. It was a primal thing bellowed in the face of certain death. Kaidan joined with all the others. He hauled himself to his feet and charged.

Their screams were answered in kind. The Reaper thundered a response of its own as it lumbered forward. Fifty thousand years of life and love shouted defiance against a force of immutable night. The air cracked, and a shriek beyond hearing spilt the air. There was a bright flash and a scorching heat as the Reaper opened fire. People and machines alike were atomised as the Reaper swept the front ranks.

Kaidan stumbled under the barrage. People simply vanished. This wasn't war. It was a slaughter. Those who weren't killed instantly fell to the ground coughing blood as organs ruptured and skin split under the awesome firepower being brought to bear. This was like a moth batting it wings against the sun. Kaidan glanced around desperately. What sort of hope did they have against something like that?

There was an explosion in front of Kaidan. He raised a hand to shield his eyes, and through the glare he saw a Mako, spinning through the air like a child's toy being tossed about and heading straight towards him. He dove to the side. There was explosion, the scream of metal twisting, and a sharp pain as something struck his side. Hot metal cut through skin and muscle with ease. He could feel blood running down the inside of his armour. Kaidan gasped as he tried to reach for his medi-gel.

He must have blacked out for a moment. The next thing he could clearly remember was the _Normandy_ swooping down out of the sky. Where had they come from? As it came to a halt in front of him Kaidan realised that he was being supported by Garrus. Shepard stood not far away, firing back towards the beam. The Reaper was trying to get into a position to target the _Normandy_.

Kaidan realised that he was having trouble moving. Whenever he tried to put weight on his right leg, fire shot through him, leaving him gasping and shuddering. His armour was broken, blood was pouring from a wound in his side, and he felt the strength draining away.

The cargo bay doors opened and marines rushed out to provide covering fire. That was when Kaidan realised what was happening. Garrus was carrying him towards the _Normandy. _It was here to take him away. Away from the battle, away from the Reaper. Away from Shepard. He was injured and Shepard had called in the _Normandy_ to save him. He was risking everyone on board to save him.

"No!" he shouted.

Shepard turned and took Kaidan. "Listen to me. I need you to go -"

"No! That's not going to happen. This isn't happening. I'm not leaving you here!"

"Don't argue with me Kaidan!" Shepard said, suddenly firm.

Hands were reaching out to take him. To take him away from Shepard. Hot tears stung his eyes. He tried to resist but the pain lanced like fire through his side. This couldn't be happening. Not now. It wasn't meant to happen like this. He wasn't ready.

"Don't leave me behind" he gasped.

"Listen to me Kaidan. I love you, do you hear me? I will always love you."

Through the blood, dirt and tears Kaidan saw Shepard as he'd always wanted to. The man he loved. And he knew deep down that this was it. He was never going to see him again. And the pain on Shepard's face was enough to make him scream.

"I love you too" Kaidan said.

So Kaidan was pulled by Garrus back into the _Normandy_. He kicked and screamed, and the last thing he saw before the darkness took him was Shepard, his face stained with tears but resolute. He was an avatar of all that the human race had to offer. Kaidan wanted nothing more than to charge back out there with him. He wanted nothing more than to have one more night with him. He wasn't ready. As the doors closed Kaidan collapsed to the floor, a wail of pain ripping from his throat that had nothing to do with his wounds.

* * *

Angela Trask was a lifelong nurse. She'd spent over forty years working in hospitals all over Alliance space. In those years she'd seen the best and the worst that the human race could go through. She had thought that the Skyllian Blitz had hardened her against the worst that the galaxy had to offer. After spending all of those years putting broken young men and women back together she'd finally retired to a nice little doctor's clinic in Australia to live out the rest of her life in relative quiet.

Then the Reapers had come and everything had changed.

She'd been working with the resistance since the start. Patching up wounds that required major surgery with nothing more than gauze and bandages by candle light. She'd had to hold down injured soldiers whilst limbs were cut off with no anaesthetic. It hadn't even been restricted to humans. At the Mt Isa camp she'd had to help an Alliance naval doctor perform surgery on a turian. She hadn't known the first thing about turian physiology. She knew more by the end of that ordeal.

When the war had finally ended, she'd found herself drifting around aid stations and hospitals before finally ending up here on the Citadel working the midnight shift at the Huerta Memorial. No one was being picky and the demand for anyone with medical experience was high. Angela was over sixty now and resigned to the fact that retirement was a dream. She wasn't even working for money. Given the state of the galactic economy the hospital simply made sure that she was fed, dressed and had a bed. She'd probably be found dead one morning slumped over her desk still in her scrubs.

As she walked into the room the data pad she held tapped into the wireless network and downloaded the patient's record for her to view. He must be someone important to warrant a private room. Most had three or four people crammed into them. Dr Turgen told her it wasn't as bad as it had been during the war. The crotchety old turian had a way of making everything seem difficult though.

She glanced over the stats, looked at the man, and shook her head. Attempted suicide. He'd tried slashing his wrists. Although he'd cut deep on the first pass he'd botched the second because he'd severed most of the tendons in his left wrist. Doubtless he would have bled out if the paramedics had arrived any later.

Angela walked up next to him and started swapping out the intravenous bags full of medicine and blood, taking note of his vitals. Every now and then he'd move and groan in his sleep. When everything was finally finished she turned to leave but caught herself and looked back at him.

Years as a nurse had armoured Angela against most things. She knew that all old nurses liked to think that they had seen everything and were beyond surprise. But this time she found herself staring dumbfounded at the young man lying before her. He was crying. Tears slowly fell down his cheeks to wet the pillow. Angela walked up to him and sighed. Taking a tissue from the bedside table she gently dried his eyes. She'd seen pain and every form that it could take. This boy would suffer even more when he woke up. She glanced at the name written atop one of his charts before she left.

K. Alenko.


	5. Part 5 - Company

_A/N: Apologies to all for missing last week's post. Work was an absolute nightmare, and this chapter required a fair bit of revision from the original version. I'll do my best to try and get another chapter up mid week to try and make up for my tardiness :) I really wanted to try and paint an image of Liara as this powerful figure due to her position of the Shadow Broker. It's a bit of a bug-bear of mine, but I've never really liked how women in male slash are represented. They seem to exist either to 'justify' someone being gay or to simply be incredibly cruel. Before the third game, Liara was always my choice of love interest because I felt that she was intelligent, developed the most out of any of the female characters, and really became a force in her own right when she became the Shadow Broker. That, and the implications of her being the Shadow Broker, are something that I want to explore and I hope that this is a good introduction to that. Not to fear though, there will be plenty of action from Kaidan soon :)  
_

**Part 5 – Company  
**

Unknown to anyone on the Citadel, a random antenna turned from its usual setting. The dish realigned, pointing itself at an unremarkable patch of space. For several hours it stayed fixated on that single point, patiently observing a solitary patch of nothingness.

Suddenly there was a burst of static. It lasted for barely a second. The dish realigned and broadcast a signal through a series of satellites in Earth's orbit. The message was encoded, broken up and scattered amongst the myriad of communications nodes that still covered Earth. Just as quickly the message reached its destination and was reconstituted.

Liara was still sitting in the waiting room of Huerta Memorial when her omni-tool quietly informed her of the incoming message. She looked down as the small text file opened. It was short. It had been her experience since donning the mantle of Shadow Broker that the most important messages usually were. Agents with a penchant for literary flourish were usually hiding something. Probably incompetence.

_Ready – F_

It didn't get much shorter than that. A moment later she had acknowledged the message and sent a reply. Then the process began all over again. Within a few short seconds dishes turned, power surged, and a solitary burst of static echoed out into the emptiness of space. Somewhere out there, hidden in that endless night, Liara was aware that wheels continued to turn. And they turned because of her. They wouldn't wait for anyone, even Kaidan Alenko.

* * *

James was tired. He was sure that there was a physical limit to just how long a human could go without sleep. He figured that he'd passed that point about six hours ago. Or was it twelve? But he was used to being tired by now. You didn't stay a marine long if you couldn't handle a few sleepless nights. Or a lot of sleepless nights, for that matter. And here he was, sitting in the waiting area of Huerta Memorial, a place he was getting entirely too familiar with as far as he was concerned. Liara had just left, looking at something on her omni-tool as she went.

The past few days were starting to blur together for James. The fiasco at the N7 testing and now the nightmare of Kaidan's attempted suicide had jarred him more than he let on. But when he'd first seen Liara, James knew deep down that the last thing she needed was for him to crack in front of her. So he did what he always did. He took that ball of emotion, squeezed it tight, and buried it deep. He would deal with it later. Days of maintaining that had left him exhausted to the marrow of his bones, and sick to his stomach.

What else could he have done? She'd known Kaidan for years, and been to hell and back with him. It was a shock to James, but he knew it was pure terror for Liara. So he tucked it all away deep down and decided to deal with it later. For now sleep was all he could think of. He let himself worry about that because it was the only thing that he could do anything about. To lie down, to sleep, and maybe even dream. Would it be too much to ask for it all to be a dream? To lie down somewhere and wake up in a few hours with nothing more to worry about than N7 testing.

He found himself being gently shaken awake by Liara.

"Huh?" He hadn't realised that he had drifted off. The waiting room slowly shifted back into focus as he tried to shake off the fog of sleep. He sat up, shoulders slumping as he took a moment to gather himself. He stretched limbs made stiff by lying on chairs. His eyes were heavy, and he could feel stubble where he rubbed his face. His head was pounding, and his neck was sore to boot. When he spoke, his voice was broken and groggy. "How long was I out for?"

"About nine hours" Liara gave him a sympathetic smile. "I would have woken you earlier, but you did look quite peaceful".

"I certainly don't feel peaceful" James said as he tried to massage the knots out of his neck. "Has he woken up?"

Liara cast a nervous glance through to Kaidan's room before shaking her head. "He's been out all night. There's been no change in him."

James grunted. When was that going to be? How were a bunch of doctors going to decide when it was alright for Kaidan to wake up? A sudden though occurred to James. "Has anyone notified his family?"

Liara shook her head, already ahead of him. "I know that his parents live on Earth, but I haven't been able to find them. Most of the North American communications network is still offline. And before you ask, yes, I have checked the next of kin address in his file. Finding people on Earth these days is only marginally harder than getting there."

James hung his head in his hands, trying to push aside the residue of fatigue clinging to him. "Alright", he said, standing up. He cracked his neck and rolled his shoulders, bracing himself. "I'll get in touch with the embassy here. At least that way someone from the Alliance will know that he's here. I can't believe that the lazy fuckers still haven't shown up."

"I've taken care of the Alliance," Liara said. "I need you to come with me for a moment, James. There are some people that I want you to meet."

"Alliance? It's about time that they sent someone" James said.

Rather than answer Liara stood and motioned for him to follow. James groaned as he stood, and with that they left Kaidan's room. Liara led him down a series of corridors and into a large storage room stacked with boxes of medical equipment. As they entered Liara waved her omni-tool at the door and it locked. James gave her a confused look before speaking.

"Why are you locking the door?"

Before Liara answered a noise behind James had him spinning. He realised that they weren't alone. Two figures stood in the shadows. Neither of them was from the Alliance. A drell dressed in a dark coat and pants was standing next to a tall, grey skinned salarian wearing black body armour. James' confusion mounted as he turned back to Liara.

"Sorry about this James. Allow me to introduce Feron," Liara nodded towards the drell. James figured that the reptilian look suited being a spy. The dark eyes and scales certainly gave him a sinister look. "He helps with my work. And I believe that you've met Major Kirrahe before."

The salarian looked familiar. There was something about the way that he stood that made James sit up and pay attention. Spend long enough in the military and you could spot a combat veteran a mile away. This guy wasn't some soft salarian scientist too nervous to get his hands dirty. James had a feeling that this one practically lived in the mud.

"Kirrahe?" James asked. Slowly it dawned on him. "You were on Sur'Kesh with Shepard. Now I remember. You met us when the shuttle landed. You were part of the STG team that grabbed those krogan females from Tuchanka. You're the STG spook who offered to help even after the dalatrass told us to go jump."

Kirrahe stepped forward and gave James a firm handshake. "It's a pleasure to see you again, lieutenant. Not everyone in the Union was pleased with the dalatrass, Lieutenant Vega. Suffice it to say that she later paid for it."

"Well this is nice and all, but what are we doing here? I thought that we were meeting someone from the Alliance? What does this have to do with Kaidan?"

"It has everything to do with Kaidan, James" Liara said. "And as I said, don't worry about the Alliance. I've taken care of them."

James frowned. "What do you mean taken care of?"

"She means me, lieutenant."

James hadn't noticed the door open. He turned to see who had spoken and snapped to attention so fast his back almost broke. If it hadn't been the admiral's bars on her shoulders that brought him about it would certainly have been the face. It was the jawline more than anything, although there was a suggestion of something familiar in those light blue eyes. Liara stepped forward and extended her hand.

"Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Admiral Shepard."

Hannah Shepard returned the handshake before turning her attention back towards James. The resemblance to Shepard was subtle but still enough to catch the eye. Her face was narrower and her lips were thin. There were lines around her eyes and her grey hair was cut short. Every inch of her spoke of a career naval officer and she exuded a quiet confidence and strength.

"Good evening, Lieutenant Vega." she said, returning his salute. There was a firm tone to her voice. This was a woman used to giving orders, and having them followed. What on Earth was Shepard's mother doing here? James was speechless.

"Before we start I'd like to know how Major Alenko is doing" Admiral Shepard asked.

"He's still unconscious" Liara responded. "The doctors are waiting on my word to wake him."

Hannah raised an eyebrow at the remark but didn't comment. James was wondering at it himself as the admiral continued. "Will he be alright?" she asked.

The sadness in Liara's eyes was all the response that Shepard needed. The admiral looked down before shaking her head, sighing. "He isn't the first since the war ended. He won't be the last. Alliance Medical can't even deal with what's on their plate at the moment. God knows how any are slipping through the cracks. If there's anything that we can do..."

"I'll be sure to ask," Liara finished.

"This isn't ideal" Feron cut in. "We were counting on having a Spectre with us."

"Suicide can be a bitch like that," James snapped.

Feron shifted uncomfortably before responding. "Apologies. I didn't mean to be insensitive."

"Sure. You just didn't care if you were?" James asked.

"Enough, Vega" Admiral Shepard cut the argument. "Drop it. We all know what Major Alenko has done and there's no point dancing around the fact. It's been a mess covering this up, but I should be able to. There will be no interference from the Alliance, Dr T'soni. I assume that your plan is still good to go?"

"No interference?" James asked. "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but what is going on here? I thought that we were meeting to discuss Major Alenko's situation?"

Admiral Shepard looked over at Liara and raised an eyebrow. "You haven't told him yet?"

"I was waiting to hear from Feron before saying anything."

"Tell me what?" James asked. He was starting to realise that he was the only one in this room that didn't know what was going on.

"We're looking for the Reapers" Admiral Shepard fixed him with a hard stare as she spoke. Silence hung heavy as the shock of it hit James like a sledgehammer. After a moment he turned to Liara and shook his head, all rank and decorum forgotten.

"God damn it, Liara! When were you planning on dropping this bombshell?"

Liara waved a hand to the people around her. "Consider it dropped James. I encountered Major Kirrahe in the course of my own investigations. The same goes for Admiral Shepard. We may not look like it James, but you're actually standing with some of the most influential people left in Citadel space."

James noticed how Liara seemed to include herself in that. Admiral Shepard leant forward, looking closely at him. "Anything that involves the Reapers involves us all, lieutenant. And we need someone reliable to spearhead this investigation. We had thought, we had hoped, that would be Major Alenko."

"It is" James said, startling even himself slightly. "Sorry ma'am. But if it's Reapers that you've got problems with then it's the _Normandy_ that you need. Kaidan is the best equipped to lead that ship and its crew ma'am."

Was that a smile on Hannah Shepard's face? Whatever it was, it was gone just as quickly as it appeared. "Unfortunately the _Normandy_ is unavailable. Regardless, I believe that you were right about Major Alenko being the best suited to lead this team. However, given the current state of affairs, there are some who feel that is no longer the case."

"She means before he tried to slit his wrists in his bathroom," Feron snapped. "We can't honestly be standing here talking about putting something as important as this into the hands of a man who can't even find the will to live?"

James clenched his teeth and gripped his fists. The only thing stopping him from dropping Feron then and there was a warning glare from Admiral Shepard. Did years spent in fighting the Reapers mean nothing to these people? Kaidan and Shepard had been taking on the Reapers when the Council had been resolutely telling the entire galaxy that the machines were just fairy tales. They had been on the front lines of this war since long before the Reapers arrived in force.

"He can do it, ma'am. I'd bet my life on it."

Hannah Shepard fixed James with a stern look. "Care to back that up, lieutenant?"

* * *

Liara watched as James left the room. The dark look on his face said more than anything else just how bad he thought this plan was. Truth be told, Liara had expected a worse reaction from the hulking marine. But he'd handled himself remarkably well as Liara had laid out the details of their little venture. Not for the first time she found herself reassessing James Vega.

Feron and Kirrahe stood off to one side, whispering together. The two of them were thick as thieves these days. She had considered trying to poach the good major. He'd make an extremely valuable asset. But it was apparent after their first conversation that his loyalty was to the Union. Their arrangement at the moment was beneficial to both parties, and she didn't want to spoil it by making an offer he might refuse.

Admiral Shepard stood deep in thought. The way she crossed her arms and furrowed her brow reminded Liara of Shepard so strongly it hurt just to look at her. She could still remember seeing her at the Shepard's memorial. Hannah Shepard had been surprisingly calm and detached considering it was her son that they were eulogising. She had spoken of being so proud of John, not just as an Alliance officer, but as a human being. Liara suspected that the woman simply preferred to keep her pain private. After a moment Hannah looked up and fixed Liara with a steady gaze.

"The Council might not get on board with this, T'soni. And I may have been able to keep the Alliance from snapping up Alenko, but I don't know if I can give you the assistance I promised. I don't like swimming in waters this murky. Too many unknowns."

"We can't leave them out there Admiral" Liara said. "The Reapers had us on our knees. Then the Crucible fired, and instead of destroying them, the Reapers simply left. One moment, they were an apocalyptic army of extra galactic killing machines and the next they were kind enough to repair the Citadel and relays as they left. Now, they've vanished."

Hannah grunted as she looked absently towards Feron and Kirrahe. The aftermath of the Crucible's firing had been absolute chaos. Every ship in the fleet had simply jumped to FTL in a mad dash away from Earth. No one had really known what the Crucible would actually do once fired. When everything had calmed down enough for some semblance of order to be restored, ships had cautiously returned to Earth. Not only had they found the Reapers still there and functional, but after several hours they had come to life again and started repairing all the major damage caused by the Crucible. Slowly and steadily the entire Reaper fleet had begun working its way through the relay network, repairing damages as they went.

Then, after months of non-stop work, they had simply vanished.

"How reliable is the information that Feron brought?"

Liara look at Feron and smiled. She knew that Admiral Shepard had no clue what she and Feron had been through. Beyond the crew of the Normandy, there was no one that she trusted more. That was a rare commodity in the world that Liara lived in. A world ruled by secrets. Feron had gone to great risk to bring back this information, and Liara would have trusted no other with it.

"I'd bet my life on it."

"Seems to be the thing to do these days" Admiral Shepard said. "We've scoured every inch of Council space. There's no sight of them in our borders. The Council wants to believe that they've gone back to whatever black hole they crawled out of. But if what your man says is true..."

"It's a big galaxy, admiral. This is the best lead that anyone, and I mean anyone, has. The salarians, asari and turians haven't got a clue. We need to investigate it to see if it's true. And we need to do it now. This is too big a sword to leave poised over our collective necks."

Hannah Shepard fixed that steely gaze on Liara again. She had grown used to dealing with those sorts of looks over the years. Liara didn't let herself flinch or cringe away from them any more. She was the Shadow Broker. She had vowed to Shepard that she would use this power for something good, and Goddess help her, she would.

"My son told me enough for me to realise you're not some bookish asari academic, Dr T'soni. But he did say that I should trust you in the event that you ever came knocking. If anyone else had come to me with the information you have, I would have had them arrested and start mustering the fleets."

"But those fleets aren't quite what they use to be, are they admiral?" Liara responded. Officially the Alliance had refused to comment on the exact extent of the its losses for the war. Liara had managed to get her hands on a few estimates from inside the Alliance parliament, and she had immediately understood just why they had classified them. Brutal just didn't do it justice. Then again, the turians and asari had been hit just as hard. The simple fact of the matter was they couldn't afford to go hunting for Reapers beyond the Veil. They simply didn't have the numbers.

Hannah was quiet for a moment before finally shaking her head. She gave Liara one more look. Liara knew that Hannah Shepard didn't entirely trust her, despite any reassurances from John. Liara had managed to keep her true identity secret for the moment. As much as she trusted the _Normandy_ and her crew, Liara didn't want to start getting Alliance admirals involved.

"Let's hope you're wrong, Dr T'soni, for all of our sake. Contact me once Major Alenko is awake."

With that she left. Feron and Kirrahe looked up as Admiral Shepard departed, and after a few quick last words Kirrahe followed after. Feron walked up beside her and the two of them stood silently for a moment. Once again, Liara felt the weight of the power she wielded. She remembered thinking that yahg imposter was nothing more than a blustering, posturing fool trying to intimidate her when he'd quipped that he could start a war in ten minutes. Now Liara knew just how wrong she had been. The Reaper War had hit her hard, but it had hit others harder. She was a force to be reckoned with in a galaxy bled white from conflict. Since the end of the war she had not stopped working, plotting and positioning for this moment. Then Kaidan had...

"So now we've got them hunting Reapers" Feron said. "What if the other possibility turns out to be true? Are you going to tell them?"

"No. Not yet."

Feron sighed, placing his hands behind his back. "Is that wise?"

It said a lot that he was willing to question her on something like this. It wasn't like him to second guess her once she'd made up her mind. "We don't have enough evidence to say anything yet, Feron. For the moment, finding the Reapers is something that we can all focus on. And I need everyone focused."

Feron glanced at her before continuing. "She's his mother, Liara. And I dare say that Major Alenko might want to know."

That was what really hurt. It had surprised Liara to learn just how painful bearing some secrets could be. And using those secrets to manipulate people was just as painful. It made her feel wrong. Equally as disturbing was just how easily it came to her. She wanted nothing more than to go and catch Admiral Shepard and tell her the truth. She wanted to believe that after everything they had all been through, a bit of honesty was all that was required to make the universe a safer place. But there was no telling how she would react, and Liara wasn't prepared to take the risk that she was wrong. It could only lead to more suffering. She would control this.

"Who better placed than Hannah Shepard if the situation changes?" Liara said. She turned to Feron, the conversation over. "Contact Mattis. Tell him to get here as soon as possible. It's time to wake Kaidan."

A smile broke through the emotionless mask that Feron was wearing. "Ah. Now it makes sense. The good Lieutenant Vega."

"Enough Feron. Please. The next few days are going to be hard enough."


	6. Part 6 - Remembered

_A/N: Hi everyone. Thanks for all the feedback from last week's post. I really do appreciate any comments , and I do listen to what people are saying, so don't hesitate to get in touch. I'm glad that so many people seem happy with what I've done so far. I hope that I can keep it up and deliver a story worth reading. After all, it's for you :) _

**Part ****6**** – Remembered**

Kaidan sat alone in the shadows. It felt right to sit there swathed in darkness. He was lit only by the gentle starlight coming through the view port. His gaze was locked on those distant points of light, slowly travelling from one to another wondering how many he'd been to and how many had been ravaged by the Reapers. How many cities had been burned to the ground? How many families out there were broke? How many loved ones had been lost?

If he concentrated hard enough he could almost ignore the pain. That gnawing black hole where his heart should have been. This pain was gouged deep into his soul. This was something that no amount of medicine would ever heal. Kaidan knew that this wound remain with him for the rest of his life.

His wrists, at least, would heal. That's what the doctors had told him. Eventually the twin gashes would fade completely, without even scar tissue to remind him. His eyes drifted down to the bandages entwined around his arms. Perhaps he shouldn't forget? A distant part of his mind quietly wondered at just how easy it would be to remove the dressings, pull the stitches, and finish what he'd started.

He'd awoken earlier that morning to find Liara standing over him. The drug induced haze had gradually worn off, and reality had forced itself upon him. The tears and anger that had followed were draining. The agony in Liara's voice was enough to make Kaidan cringe. The care that she felt for him was tinged with rage. It had been too much when she had taken his hand and simply asked him; why?

Eventually she had left. More than anything Kaidan had wanted to be alone. A nurse had come in several minutes later to check on him and bring him dinner. He'd shuffled over to a chair by the window and quietly ate as he looked out into the void of space. When he was done Kaidan put the tray next to him and sat silently. It was some time later that he came out of his reverie. The tray was gone.

Looking out at the void of space gave him an odd sort of comfort. Every action required enormous effort. It was like swimming through mud. His body and mind were slow. Thinking, even feeling, was exhausting. Kaidan knew then that the only reason he hadn't tried to kill himself again was that he simply couldn't summon the will to do it. The feeling was stillborn, dead before it reached the surface. But staring out into that black abyss gave him something approaching comfort.

A gentle knocking at the door drew his attention.

James walked in. He gave Kaidan a nervous look before taking a seat next to him. Silence hung between the two of them. Kaidan felt like he should say something, do something, but again the sentiment couldn't manifest into action. His tongue tried to move but the words didn't come. What was there to do? What could he possibly say? So instead he said nothing, did nothing, and let the silence remain.

"Are you going to do it again?" James asked. The question was as sudden and unexpected as if James had hit him. Then again this was James. He would go straight for the throat no matter what.

Images of Liara's tear stained face flashed before him. "To tell you the truth I don't really know" Kaidan rasped. It was such a struggle just to put those words together and speak. He felt exhausted just saying that. "I wish that I did know, but I don't."

James drew a deep breath, as though bracing himself. "We need something a little more definite than that, man."

Kaidan felt ruffled by the seemingly glib remark. He felt the stirrings of something pierce the dark clouds. What sort of certainty did they want? Did he want him to sit here and say yes? Give them the time, place and means perhaps? Did he have to spell it out?

"I don't know James. All that I want is to be left alone."

James shifted his weight as he crossed his legs and folded his arms. "Well that's not going to happen. A lot of people think that humanity's second Spectre shouldn't be allowed to off himself. Damn, there's a Rear Admiral sitting in the waiting room just to make sure."

"Sorry to be such a burden."

"Yeah well next time do a decent job of it. A bullet through the head or a long drop is a bit more thorough than a dull razor, sir."

Kaidan's bubble of calm shattered under James' callous words. The sudden surge of something, anything, enervated him. He'd expected everything but this. Suddenly a swell of anger roiled inside of him, and his heart was racing. He could feel sweat starting to bead on his brow, and his breath was coming quicker. He could hear a dull buzz as he clenched his fist.

"Well fuck you!" Kaidan hissed.

James grunted as he kept on going. "I mean you're only our _second_ Spectre and all that you've managed to do in that time is almost getting the Council killed and nearly betraying the man you claim to love."

A red haze fell over Kaidan and all he saw was blood. Without thinking he threw his elbow back, aiming a vicious blow at James' face. The marine threw his arms up and took the impact, tipping his seat and rolling to his feet. Kaidan stood up in time to see James spring upright, arms held up before him.

"You don't know what you're fucking saying!" Kaidan spat. In that moment every ounce of rage that he could muster was directed right at James. All the grief and pain broke through and were poured into a white hot furnace that roared to life in his chest. He knew then that if his implant was still in he'd have torn James limb from limb. Kaidan could feel something building up inside of himself. He'd killed before. It was a part of his duty. It had always been a methodical and necessary action. But what he felt now was different. He had never wanted to inflict pain on someone. Now Kaidan wanted nothing more than to hurt James. All the uncertainty and fear that he'd felt since Shepard's death came to the fore and finally had a target.

"Too true I do, boss. Shepard knew his duty, and you just want to run away from it."

Kaidan flew at James, a thing of hate and fury. James threw his arms up in front of his face as Kaidan rained blows on his forearms and shoulders. Kaidan screamed as he sidestepped the marine and drove a fist into his side. James slipped and dropped his guard just long enough for Kaidan to get a quick blow to the cheek that snapped James' head back. James staggered back a couple of steps and for a moment they stood regarding each other. Kaidan was panting.

"Maybe you should've done something more for the past few months than sit in that bar getting shit faced eh?" James said. He made a quick feint and Kaidan nearly fell over. "How the fuck are you a Spectre?"

"Shut your mouth" Kaidan shouted. "I lost everything when he died."

"He saved everyone. You're just too god damned selfish to see it."

Kaidan darted forward but this time James was ready. He let the blow harmlessly strike his shoulder and Kaidan's momentum carried him right into James' fist. Lights exploded before him and the world tilted. Suddenly he was on his back staring up at the ceiling.

James loomed over him. "You think you're the only person who lost someone? This galaxy is full of dead loved ones. But billions live because Shepard gave it all."

Kaidan aimed a vicious kick that James easily avoided. He scrambled to his feet and raised his fists again. "What would you know? You weren't there. You didn't see him when we were alone. You didn't see just how frightened he was."

"He was human."

"He was terrified!" Kaidan yelled. "He put on this mask for everyone but me. The unstoppable, indomitable, indestructible Commander John Shepard. He told me everything, James. Stuff that will never make it into the history books. You didn't know him like I did. You couldn't."

"No one ever will" James said. "That's your privilege, and your burden."

"No!" Kaidan sobbed. "It isn't right. It isn't fair!"

"It never is."

"We were supposed to be together forever! He promised he'd fight to! I said I'd wait for him. All that time being right next to him, and I said nothing. When he was with Liara it gutted me. And then he died, and turned up working for Cerberus."

Kaidan sucked in a deep breath, scrambled to his feet and lunged forward. The two of them danced across the room trading blows. He was panting, sucking in deep breaths and sweat poured off of him. James was sporting a nasty bruise on the side of his face but it was obvious who had the upper hand here. The only thing keeping Kaidan going was rage.

Kaidan feinted and James swung a roundhouse blow that would have taken his head off. Kaidan ducked and came up inside his guard. He drove his shoulder into James' gut and with every ounce of strength he could muster heaved. The two of them smashed into the bed and tipped it. They went down in a mess of sheets and medical equipment.

They hit the floor hard and Kaidan rolled on top of James. Kaidan cried out as he pummelled him, not caring how but only that he, someone, anyone was hurting.

"None of it was right, none of it was fair. I loved him. And those monsters took him away. Now everyone wonders why I can't take the idea of living in a galaxy without Shepard and constantly being reminded that we're all alive because of him!"

He threw his weight down on top of James and pinned his arms to his side. The world seemed to go black and when his vision cleared he had his hands around James' throat. James was trying desperately to free his arms. His eyes were wide and his face was going red.

"Why did he do it? He knew that it would kill him but he did it anyway. He looked me in the eye and knew that he was going to die. And he left me".

"He did it because he loved you," James gasped. "Don't you understand? He did it all for you."

All the hate and rage in Kaidan suddenly gave way. It was like a dam breaking. Kaidan could feel the strength rush out of him. His grip on James slacked and he rolled off of him. James sucked in a ragged breath, rolled over and started coughing.

Kaidan crawled to the overturned bed and rested up against it, clutching at it like a life raft. Tears were flowing freely now and he sputtered between sobs, "He left me James. How could he just go like that? Why did it have to be him?"

James propped himself up, still breathing heavily. But there was no malice in his eyes despite the marks on his throat. If anything, the gaze he cast over Kaidan was empathetic. He wiped the back of his hand over a bloody nose before speaking.

"It was always going to be him Kaidan. Don't you see? He was the best we had to offer. And I don't mean just humanity. I mean everyone, everywhere. Only he could have brought everyone together like he did. Only he could have made us all stop thinking about our own petty shit and band together. No one else could have done it. I think at the end he understood that."

Kaidan hung his head and wept unashamedly into his lap. He never wanted Shepard to be a hero and he couldn't care less about the fate of the galaxy. All that he had ever wanted was Shepard. And for a brief time they'd had each other and everything seemed right. But Kaidan had secretly known from the start that he'd fallen for the tragic hero.

"Everyone demanded everything from him," Kaidan said. "Anderson, Hackett, the Council. Even when they were calling him a liar, they spent years putting more and more weight on him until the entire galaxy was resting on his shoulders. He never had a chance."

"He understood his duty, Kaidan" James' voice cut through the grief. He appeared by Kaidan's side and draped an arm around his shoulder. "In the end he gave it all and for everyone. I only caught a glimpse of it in the time that I served under him, but he was more than an Alliance marine. Javik once called him the avatar of hope. What he did in the end was magnificent."

Kaidan laid his head on James' shoulder and gave in to a storm of his own pain. Hot anguish coursed through his veins until he was on fire with it. James put his other arm around him and drew Kaidan close. For a few minutes the two of them sat there amidst the wreckage they'd caused. After a while James pulled away, and there was a clatter as he dropped something in front of Kaidan. His eyes opened and through the blur of tears Kaidan could see a pistol lying on the ground in front of him.

"Shepard was the most selfless person I've ever known. He knew that his duty went beyond his uniform. That's why they made him a Spectre. Well, right now we need another Spectre. The shit has hit the fan again and we need you, Kaidan."

The sight of the pistol infused Kaidan with the same icy calm that had gripped him in that bathroom. He could still feel the anguish there, just beneath the surface. But on top of it, covering it, was that cold certainty. His gaze fixated on the pistol as he sat up. A steady hand reached out and took it. With practised ease he cocked the weapon and found himself looking down the barrel. One moment of certainty and he could end it all.

James' voice pierced the calm. "We can't sit around here forever waiting for you to decide if you should be ashamed of Shepard's choices. You've already put everyone through hell. You make the choice and you fucking do it now. If you want to end it, go ahead, I won't stop you. Otherwise you put that damned thing down and you do what needs to be done."

Kaidan could almost see the future he'd lost. An apartment on English Bay filled with a lifetime of loving memories. There was a life after the Alliance. Each day that they spent together the bond between them would grow only stronger.

Time flashed again. Shepard was dead. He was alone, drunk, destroyed. The shattered remains of his life were strewn around him. There was no one left for him. His bitterness and agony had driven everyone away.

Realisation slowly dawned on him. It was as though he could suddenly see clearly. The weight of everything that he had done over the past few months came crashing down on him. He'd betrayed everything that had ever mattered in his life, frightened his loved ones, and now here he sat preparing to do it again. He threw the pistol away in horror.

James heaved a sigh of relief as the pistol clattered to the floor. The burly marine smiled at Kaidan. "Thanks for not making a liar out of me, amigo."

Before Kaidan could reply, the door burst open and in strode an Alliance Rear Admiral flanked by a pair of hospital orderlies. Was that Hannah Shepard? She took one look at the dishevelled room, took note of the pistol lying at Kaidan's feet, and turned to James.

"Jesus Christ, Vega, I sent you in here to talk to him. What the hell is all this?"

James limped forward and scooped up the pistol. "Unless the Alliance wanted to watch the Major for the rest of his life, we had to give him something to live for, ma'am. Or at least remind him of what he had to live for."

Hannah Shepard raised an eyebrow. "I didn't realise the psych corps had let you join their ranks, lieutenant?"

James squared his shoulders and stood ready to receive whatever punishment seemed to be coming. Before anything could happen, Kaidan pulled himself to his feet, using the toppled bed as support. He felt surprisingly weak as he tried to stand at attention, and there was a throbbing pain in his side that wouldn't stop.

"Lieutenant Vega is right, ma'am. He was just reminding me of what I'd forgotten."

Hannah stood there regarding the two of them for a minute. It struck Kaidan how it must look. The room was destroyed, littered with the progress of their fight and the two of them were bloodied and black. The bruise on James' cheek was turning a nice shade of blue, and the sound of blood dripping from Kaidan's broken nose and striking the floor was like a church bell in the silence.

After a moment she turned her full attention to Kaidan. "Are you back on board, major?"

All pain and discomfort was momentarily forgotten as Kaidan snapped to attention. "Yes, ma'am!"

"Good," Hannah returned the salute. She cast an appraising look around the room. "One step at a time though, major. I suggest that you and Lieutenant Vega clean up your mess. I'll go and rustle up a doctor to find out just what we need to do with you."

* * *

Kaidan stood on the steps of the Alliance embassy. It had taken several more days till the doctors at Huerta Memorial had been satisfied that he wasn't going to slink off to another dark hole and finish what he'd started. Eventually they had reluctantly announced that all was well and Kaidan was free to leave. He had no doubt that the hospital wanted to hold him longer, but he also suspected that Admiral Shepard had pushed to have him released early. Still, he was glad to be out. He'd had enough of hospitals.

The embassy was just as busy as Kaidan remembered it. Granted the crowds were missing that desperate air that had suffused everyone during the war, but there was still an atmosphere of barely contained chaos. People from every race in Council Space were packed into the foyer. The marine guards at the entrance were unusually thorough when it came to verifying just who Kaidan was before admitting him into the embassy proper.

Before walking into Admiral Shepard's office, Kaidan had made sure that the sleeves of his uniform were rolled down. There were still bandages on his wrists. The last thing that he wanted was for more people to know what had happened. There was enough uncertainty without him adding more. He wasn't sure just why he had been called to the Admiral's office alone. He was more than a little nervous. In the military when someone was called before a Flag Officer it was the equivalent of being asked to stand before God.

Hannah Shepard sat behind her desk pouring over a pile of data slates. The room was fairly bare. The only noticeable feature was a large window looking out over what was left of the Presidium. Once upon a time Kaidan imagined that the view would have been quite spectacular. The sweeping vista would have followed the lush greens and blues of the Presidium as they curved up over the horizon. These days the view showed only the gutted remains of what had once been the crown jewel of the Citadel.

In that distracted way that only the very busy could muster, she waved Kaidan closer. Not knowing if he should take a seat, Kaidan simply stood stiffly at attention and waited.

There were a few moments of silence before Admiral Shepard made any move. She placed the last slate down and leant back in her seat and gave Kaidan an appraising look. The silence dragged on and still nothing was said. There are few things in military life more uncomfortable than being scrutinised by your superiors. There was nothing to do but to wait it out.

Suddenly, she stood and turned to face out the window behind her. "At ease, major. I was just wanted to get a good look at the man who stole my son's heart."

Kaidan relaxed somewhat. Admiral Shepard turned to him and leaned back against the window, her arms crossed. There was a strange look on her face. It looked as though she was struggling to put the words together. Whatever internal argument she had, Hannah eventually settled for a slight smile and shook her head. Kaidan was struck by just how much that smile reminded him of Shepard.

"John told me about you," she said. There was a faraway look in her eyes as she spoke. "Came out, as it were, in a secure data packet. Can you believe it? God damned war."

Kaidan had no idea what to say. Eventually he responded. "He tried looking for you after we escaped from Earth, ma'am. But back then we were lucky to know who was in the same system as us, much less the location of the rest of the fleet."

"It was a mess after Arcturus," Hannah walked over to a small alcove set into the wall and started preparing a pot of coffee. For a few moments the only sounds were the bubbling of boiling water.

"Earth's mighty iron gate was just brushed aside. I knew some good men and women who died there, Major. Too many. By the time Admiral Hackett found me I'd managed to scrape together some survivors. When he told me about the Crucible, somehow I just knew that John was at the centre of it all."

She turned and handed him a cup of coffee. Kaidan took a sip of the bitter brew as she indicated for him to sit.

"He was a military brat from the start. We jumped from one posting to another, his father and I. We just dragged him along with us. I sometimes wonder if perhaps he wanted to do something else with his life. But we knew from the time he was twelve that he was going to join up. He never had a chance, really."

"John loved the service, ma'am. It meant everything to him. And look what he did. I don't think that he could have saved the galaxy as a lawyer."

"Ah yes, saviour of the galaxy. My son." She shook her head sadly and gazed into her coffee. "There was one other guy," she added, suddenly changing the topic. "I remember it was on...the _Perth_ from memory. John's father was still alive and he was about sixteen. _Perth_ was laid up for long service maintenance and there was this kid. I can't remember his name, but his mother was a civilian contractor working on the ship. I thought that they were just good friends till this kid's mother turned up one day with a rather sordid little tale to tell."

The sudden honesty seemed to break the ice. The idea of the mighty John Shepard as an awkward teenager was impossible to imagine. Kaidan had made a point not to ask Shepard about his past love life. He didn't really think that it was his business.

"What did you end up doing?" Kaidan asked.

"I sat him down and tried to speak to him about it. God, he could be stubborn at times. He refused to even admit that it had happened at first. I had to threaten to call this kid's mother over before he spilled the beans."

Kaidan wasn't sure what to think. It seemed like such a passé thing to worry about. For the most part humanity had put that sort of bigotry well behind it. The Alliance certainly wasn't in a mood to turn down an able bodied individual just because of who they took to bed. Still, some people clung to old ideas. An idea occurred to Kaidan, and he wondered if Hannah Shepard was one of those people.

His face must have given something away, because she suddenly leant forward, looking at him intently again. "Don't give me that look, Alenko. I loved my son, and always will. I couldn't care less what side he batted for, but a mother wants to know."

"Of course, ma'am."

She leant back and rested her hands in her lap. Once again that sad look fell over her face.

"I'm sorry to put this on you, Major. I barely saw John after his first death. That was horrendous enough. Then he turned up working for Cerberus, and I didn't even find out that he was alive till an intelligence Captain came in and shoved a report under my nose. I just want to know what sort of life John was living towards the end."

It hit Kaidan just how hurt Hannah Shepard must be. She'd been an image of stoic resolve at Shepard's funeral, standing there and without a single tear accepting a raft of medals and honours in her son's name. Now there was no admiral. Instead a mother sat, asking about her son. Where to begin?

"He worked too hard."

She gave a small laugh. "You should have seen him before he went to Rio for ICT. I was shocked that he had any energy left by the time that he got there."

"He nearly drove himself over the edge. I lost track of how many times I found him asleep at his desk. Vega set up a gym in the cargo bay. He spent a lot of free time there."

"Did he have any hobbies? What did he do in his down time?"

Kaidan laughed. It was sudden and unexpected. There was only one word which came to mind. "Fish."

"Excuse me?"

"When Cerberus rebuilt the _Normandy_ they put this huge decorative fish tank in his cabin. I have no idea why they did it, but when the Alliance got their hands on the _Normandy_ and started taking it apart the engineers decided to leave it installed."

Hannah threw her head back and gave a deep, genuine laugh. "You are shitting me?"

Kaidan couldn't help but join in the laughter as he held up his hands. "I swear to God ma'am, this thing was massive. You'd be sick too if I told you just how much he spent on it. There were fish from every planet you could think of, and this auto feeder that cost a fortune."

The two of them were lost in mirth for a moment. Tears were running down their faces as Hannah said between gasps. "He couldn't even look after a dog. We got him one when we were at Bently for a year and had to give it away after a month. But bloody fish…"

The laughter broke the tension and the two of them finally settled into a normal flow of conversation. For a time the lieutenant and the admiral forgot about rank. For a time it was just a mother and her son's love.

As it turned out, John had kept in contact with his mother as much as possible, so there were only a few gaps in the official story that Kaidan had to fill in for Hannah. Mostly they talked about how he dealt with the war and the choices that he'd had to make. In return Hannah would talk about John when he was young. Kaidan was grateful to hear about it. There were a few more laughs in there.

"I knew that John's life was going to be different after he was diagnosed as a biotic."

"How did that happen ma'am?"

"Alliance medical made it standing orders for all serving members and their families to get tested after they shut down BAaT. The doctors said it might have had something to do with his father. John's dad did a lot of work with drive cores. Neither of us tested positive or showed any signs of mutation though."

Kaidan looked down at his empty mug, trying to phrase the next question properly.

"What did you think when he opted for special forces training?"

It took Hannah a moment to answer. "John was one of those soldiers that you could look at and just see that he was born to be in uniform. I'm proud to say that he had that professional edge. When he was nominated for the N7 program I was pleased that he was doing what he loved."

She shot him a knowing look before continuing. "I don't regret that John died in uniform, Alenko. I'm not some blind pro-human militant, but I do love the service that I give, and I know that John felt the same."

Kaidan nodded and sat back. "He always spoke highly of you, ma'am. I know that he regretted not being able to see you during the war."

"That's the life of an N7 operator. Never mind being a Spectre. Christ, I remember hearing about that. My son was the first human Spectre. That alone was something for the history books."

"Saving the galaxy was no small feat, ma'am."

"No. Not at all," she said. The mood subtly shifted. Hannah took a moment before she asked the next question. "Tell me, Alenko. Was he happy in the end?"

A lump suddenly rose in Kaidan's throat. He searched for the words, but all that he could see was the image of Shepard as Kaidan was pulled aboard the _Normandy_. The pain etched deep into his face as Kaidan was torn away from him.

_ Don't leave me behind…I love you…_

The pain must have shown on his face. When he looked up, Hannah was sitting forward in her chair, a look of concern directed at Kaidan. The memories came rushing back to him, and it felt as though a hand had reached inside his chest to grip his heart. He was there again. He could smell the smoke, hear people shouting, the scream of the _Normandy's_ engines as it came to take him away. He was there again with Shepard in London.

The words finally came, albeit it slowly. "I was with him in the end ma'am, when we made that charge to the beam. People were dying everywhere. That god damned Reaper was tearing us apart. I was injured and he called the _Normandy_ in to get Garrus and me out. John put me on that ship knowing that he was going to his death. He meant the world to me, and not a night goes by that I don't dream about those final moments."

Kaidan was lost in his own memories. He was there again in London. He knew that some part of him would always be there in London. He didn't notice Hannah stand and walk over to him. She knelt and took his hand.

"I loved him, Hannah. So much…"

Hannah knelt there silently cradling his head as Kaidan let his grief pour out of him. Holding him close, she whispered into his ear that everything was going to be alright. The dark edge to his grief was dulled and the poison was drawn out. Eventually the tears stopped. Kaidan felt better for it. He'd needed that and hadn't even realised it.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"Thank you, Kaidan. Thank you so much for being there for him, and loving him. I know that John felt the same."

"God, I miss him."

"So do I, Kaidan."

Kaidan looked into her eyes and knew that he'd found, if not a companion in his grief, then at least someone who could understand the depth of his loss. And for that empathy he was extremely grateful.


	7. Part 7 - Hidden

_A/__N: Hello everyone. I can only apologies for just how late this chapter is. Unfortunately my work does take me away from my computer, sometimes for extended periods. As a result there will be times when I can't meet the deadlines that I've set. I am very sorry. I wish that there was a way that I could keep people updated with my progress, but so far the only method I have is these notations before each chapter. Unfortunately I'll also be away for the next two weeks after this post, but I should be able to get the next chapter up relatively quickly after that._

_Thank to all of those who messaged me after the last chapter. I'm so happy that people seem to be enjoying the story. I am dedicated to finishing this, and I do have the ending in mind, so don't doubt that it's coming. It may just take some time to get there. As I've said before, feel free to drop in some reviews. Any critique is welcome. I hope that you enjoy.  
_

**Part 7 – Hidden**

Several days had gone by since Liara had last visited Kaidan at Huerta Memorial. She still felt a twinge of anger and sorrow whenever Kaidan looked up at her from his bed. But it was something that Liara was learning to deal with. Kaidan was alive, and despite everything he had put her through, that was all that mattered. The shock of his attempted suicide was slowly fading into the background of her life. Her normal routine was starting to reassert itself. If indeed her life as the Shadow Broker could ever be called normal.

Liara stood in a dark warehouse, lit only by a single strip of florescent lighting. The pale light cast a ghostly glow over the gathered figures. Feron stood next to her scrolling through a data slate. The young drell had arrived back at Liara's apartment well before dawn. Once she heard the message he was carrying the two of them had left her apartment shortly after.

They descended into the dark warrens of the lower wards. Feron took the lead, passing dilapidated homes and wretched people curled up against the cold of the night. They made their way through a maze of alleyways still clothed in darkness before arriving at their destination. It was a small warehouse located amongst a densely packed industrial area. Judging by the amount of detritus scattered about, it had obviously been some time since the run down building had seen use.

They approached a random pile of boxes before Feron turned and indicated that Liara should wait whilst he went forward. Liara stood in silence, one hand resting lightly on her holstered pistol. She could just hear two voices whispering in the distance before two figures emerged from the dark.

One was Feron, guiding a petrified salarian towards her. Liara didn't recognise him. The two stopped before her and the salarian spoke up, wringing his hands, his voice barely above a whisper and thick with fear.

"Listen, I need more than credits now. They'll kill me once they find out what I've done."

"I received your message," Liara said. "Do you have what we asked you for?"

The salarian was blinking rapidly. His eyes never stayed focused on one spot for long, as though he expected something to emerge from the shadows. She nodded to Feron, who stepped forward, holding his hand out expectantly.

"Please," the salarian pleaded. "I need protection!"

"You'll be looked after," Liara said. "_If_ you have what I want, Sata. You requested that I come here personally. This had better be important."

"Oh, it is. This is...big," Sata said. "I managed to pull this off of the unit's mainframe. It wasn't until I downloaded it that I realised what I was holding. I tripped a dozen alarms getting this stuff for you!"

"Do they know that you're here?" Liara asked.

Sata shook his head. "No. But they have to know what I've done. They're not stupid. I need to get off the Citadel, and quick."

"Help us, and I'll take care of you myself."

Sata gave her a long look, as though deciding whether to trust her or not. It didn't matter much to Liara. Sata was one of those most basic of informants; someone doing it for money. She had cast a rather wide net once arriving on the Citadel. It was a trait she'd developed dealing in information back on Illium. Sata was a computer expert who had come to the attention of one of her operatives several months ago. He had a habit of racking up debts that he couldn't pay back. With a few timely interventions on his behalf, Sata had found himself obliged to offer his help.

A month ago he had informed Liara's network of a contract he had signed up for. Sata had been approached by a human who claimed to speak for a private consortium of Earth based businesses named Aegis. With Liara's blessing, he had agreed. Methods of communication between agents like Sata and Liara's actual network were fairly simple. However there was always a way to pass information quickly up the chain if something important had been found. This appeared to be the case here.

Sata handed Feron a small data crystal and the three of them stood waiting for several minutes before Feron found what he was looking for. Liara was surprised to see the look of shock on Feron's face. After years in this game, the young drell had learnt how to mask his more obvious emotions. The wide eyed look of surprise now painted on his face made Liara reach out and take the data slate from him. She looked down and gasped.

"Where did you get this?" she breathed.

"You recognise the image I assume?" Sata responded.

She did.

Liara was looking at the still image on the slate in front of her. It was grainy and had obviously been reconstructed, but it was still clear enough to make out the figure standing in it.

"Where did this come from?" Liara repeated. A shiver ran up her spine.

Sata sighed. "It took me a few weeks to understand just what was going on. These people keep our work separated you see, compartment it so that we can't get the big picture. Naturally I started to poke around. It took me awhile to figure out just where they were storing the rest of the data, plus a few days to actually put it all together."

"This doesn't explain where you got the picture from" Feron joined in.

Sata gave a small laugh before continuing. "I don't know where the images were physically taken, no. But they were well hidden, nonetheless."

"What do your employers make of this?" Feron asked.

Sata started shooting nervous looks into the darkness again, the same paranoia that had been there before coming over him. "I did a little more digging. They're not based on Earth."

"Where?" Liara asked. Something in the tone of her voice had Sata take a step back and focus entirely on her.

"The Terminus Systems somewhere," he answered nervously. "Omega, most likely."

"Most likely?" Liara raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, I swear it," Sata answered. "There's an electronic trail. It's small, but it's there."

Liara looked down at the slate and took a moment to compose herself. She wasn't going to let Sata see just how shocking this news was. She tapped the image of Shepard and let a video there play. The voices were distorted, but she could make out the voices regardless. Sata must have worked hard scrubbing the audio.

_…what are you?_

_ A construct… designed aeons ago to solve a problem. I was created…balance, to be the catalyst for peace between organics and synthetics._

_ You're just an AI?_

_ …I embody the collective intelligence of all Reapers…_

The sound finally deteriorated to the point where it was unintelligible. But it was enough. Goddess, what was this? What was Shepard talking to…who was he talking to? Liara hadn't realised that she was holding her breath. A dread certainty was starting to settle on her. But she had to learn more.

"Who is he talking to?" Liara asked.

"As near as I can tell, some sort of AI."

"You're going to have to do better than that, Sata" Liara said.

The salarian swallowed nervously. "Listen, they had a whole team of AI experts going over it that I didn't even know about. But they have _no_ idea what they're looking at."

Sata cycled through to the next series of video files and played them. The audio was clearer this time around, and Liara could hear Shepard speaking with the strange hologram. The voice was soft and ethereal, but strangely childlike.

_But you're taking away our future. Without a future, we have no hope. Without hope, we might as well be __machines…_

_ You have hope. More than you think. The fact that you are standing here, the first organic ever, proves it. But it also proves that my solution won't work any more. _

_ So now what?_

_ We find a new solution._

_... can't make them happen. If there is to be a new solution, you must act. It is now in your power to destroy us._

_ …another way…_

_ …form lost…connection…remain…_

_ But the Reapers will obey me?_

_Yes._

That last sentence rang through the air like a gunshot. _But the Reapers will obey me?_ Liara could feel her heart racing, and her hands were shaking.

"Goddess," Liara whispered. "It's Shepard. He…I…" Her voice trailed off. She didn't know what to say.

Sata took a deep breath before answering, obviously considering his words carefully. "Whoever these people I'm working for really are, they were very interested in acquiring this information. The sort of high grade security that was surrounding these files was astounding. Not the sort of shit that you find on a corporate system. They're dead serious."

Sata looked at her expectantly. He was still frightened, but there was a peculiar tone to his voice when he spoke that had nothing to do with fear. "Listen, whatever this is, I just want out."

Liara crossed her arms and regarded Sata carefully. The temperature in the room seemed to drop. The sudden shift in moods was enough that Sata started to shake. Liara's face had slipped into an impassive mask. She'd worn it often enough on Illium to know the effect she could produce if necessary.

"Who have you told?" she asked.

Suddenly, a look of absolute dread appeared on Sata. He fell to his knees and began to stutter and sob, holding his hands out before him. "Oh, please, don't! I haven't told anyone, I swear. I just want to get away, far away. Please don't..."

Liara rolled her eyes. "If I wanted you dead, Sata, you'd be dead. Remember that."

The salarian heaved a sigh of relief before standing again on unsteady legs. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

"Don't thank me yet, Sata. We can't afford to let you go off on your own I'm afraid. You're going to become pretty well acquainted with some of our own computer experts. You really do work for me now."

"What? No. I want to go home!" Sata shouted.

"Don't be stupid. If your employers could find this information, then they can find you on Sur'Kesh. So unless you want to put the rest of your family in danger, I'm the only protection that you've got, Sata."

The salarian desperately tried to find fault with what she was saying. But after a time he hung his head and nodded in defeat. Feron stepped up to Sata and started to lead the dejected salarian away. As they walked past, Feron whispered to her.

"We're going to Omega, aren't we?"

Liara could only nod. "This doesn't make any sense. He was suppose to destroy them. He said he was going to destroy them. What did Shepard do?"

"We don't know the choice he made," Feron said. "We need more information."

Liara shook her head. "We do. He did something to them, Feron. He sure as hell didn't destroy them. Whatever decision he made, we're alive because of it. We need answers, Feron. And not just us. The whole galaxy needs to know just what John Shepard did to those Reapers. Goddess help, I _will_ find out."

* * *

"It's about time, James" Kaidan laughed.

The young marine officer was glowing with pride. It had something to do with the additional golden bar on his rank slides. Truth be told it had been a long time coming.

A promotion was long overdue.

Kaidan knew that James feared he'd been blacklisted by the Alliance because of what had happened on Fehl Prime. But whatever black mark James may or may not have had stamped to his name couldn't stand up to his actions during the Reaper War.

"1st Lieutenant James Vega" Kaidan rolled the word around as though tasting it. James shot him a big grin as he tried not to look at himself in a mirror again. "You've got to admit, it suits you."

"Damn right!" He kept smiling despite himself. Kaidan had slipped the word to Admiral Shepard after speaking with her and she'd quickly agreed.

"Give him his bars and his extra duties, Major_. _See to it he's ready to go when the time comes."

Traditionally in the Alliance, when an officer was promoted, their spouse was invited to the ceremony to fit the new rank to their uniform. Barring that, the honour passed to their commanding officer, who in this case was Kaidan. James actually had the good grace to blush when Kaidan affixed the new rank slides to his shoulders.

The two of them were sitting in a conference room in the Alliance embassy. Kirrahe had been waiting for them. There had been a few minutes of casual conversation between the two of them. Catching up, talking about the war, simple niceties. However, Kaidan had a feeling that Kirrahe looked tenser than usual. Before he could ponder on it further, Liara and Feron entered. Kaidan thought that Liara looked a little upset by something, but before he could ask her anything Admiral Shepard entered.

"Be seated" Hannah said to Kaidan and James, both of whom had braced up when she entered the room.

"Thank you all for coming" she started without preamble. "This session is classified under the Council Spectre Act. All within are bound by that act, and any evidence of breach will result in harsh penalties. Know that this operation has the sanction of the Citadel Council through its chosen agent, Major Alenko."

Hannah looked up and flashed Kaidan a rather sickly smile. "And that's about as much as you'll hear from the Council on this, Alenko. They don't know about the hospital incident and I've managed to get you a blank cheque approval to operate as you see fit. But that's it."

"So other than agreeing to turn the other way, the Council won't be helping?" Kaidan asked.

"They can't, Major."

"Bullshit!" James said. Instantly he reddened, forgetting the cardinal rule in the military that only flag officers swear in front of each other. But it earned him a lopsided grin from Hannah. "Sorry, ma'am."

"It's more useful than you think," Hannah replied. "Don't get me wrong, Major, the Council is worried about the fate of the Reaper fleet. But they're also worried about restoring basic utilities on dozens of worlds, feeding and clothing a few million refugees, and let's not forget the simple task of burying a few billion dead. They simply don't have the resources to commit to a dedicated search. Until they have proof, we're just one more pair of eyes looking for a needle in a very big haystack as far as they're concerned."

"Admiral Shepard's right," Liara spoke up. "They're doing a good job in hiding it, but truth be told it'll be decades before the Council races recover themselves militarily from the war. They're not lying, Kaidan. They literally don't have the manpower to search."

Admiral Shepard sighed. "It's grim, people. But we always knew that it would be. As it stands, you have Council authorisation to conduct any operations that you see fit and report back. Now, Major Kirrahe, I believe you wish to start?"

The salarian stood to address Admiral Shepard directly. "Thank you, Admiral. I'll make this brief. After the Reapers repaired the relay network here in Citadel space, the STG believed that they may have moved on to the Terminus Systems. This has been backed up by sensor logs we've pulled from merchant vessels coming out of the Terminus region. For example, one ship possessed sensor data of a sizable Reaper fleet in the Titan Nebula. They were repairing the relay and several other key system infrastructures. When a team was sent to investigate the fleet was gone."

Hannah's eyes narrowed as she regarded Kaidan. "What sort of consequences can we expect if we start sending Spectres into the Terminus Systems?"

It was Liara who answered.

"We've had very little out of the region since the Reapers cut the comm buoy system midway through the war. What little we have learnt since the end of the war isn't good. The whole region appears to have become even more lawless and bloodied since the Reapers swept through, and the level of carnage was exponentially greater. That may work to our advantage though. Any small force that we send in is likely to go unnoticed."

Kaidan watched Admiral Shepard sit back and consider the information. Spectres were made for these sorts of missions. If the Spectres ever adopted a motto it would be anonymity. The Reapers had hit the region like a sledgehammer.

"This is what we're here for, admiral," Kaidan stepped in. "Give me a month, and I swear that I'll find the Reapers."

Hannah grunted. "Looking to emulate your predecessor, I take it? Here's hoping that you've inherited my son's penchant for destroying Reapers."

"We should start at Omega," Liara said.

Kaidan frowned. "What does Aria have to do with this?"

"I don't think the Queen of Omega has anything to do with this. But if there's anything going on in the Terminus Systems worth knowing about, Aria is our best bet to learn more."

Kaidan regarded Liara for a moment. There was something off about her. The way she looked on impassively didn't seem natural. Then again Kaidan didn't doubt that, as the Shadow Broker, Liara had some card up her sleeve.

"Major, it's your call," Hannah said.

Kaidan thought about it for a moment. "You're right, Liara. We need to start looking somewhere, and Omega is as good a place as any."

* * *

Kirrahe watched as the meeting broke up. One by one, each member of the rather eclectic group departed to make their respective arrangements. As he left, Kirrahe activated his omni-tool and connected a call through to a payphone on the lower wards.

"Go," a voice answered. Kirrahe didn't recognise it.

"Status is green. T'Soni passed the information, although not directly. She raised the idea of going to Omega."

"Good," the voice answered. "She's taken Sata into hiding. We don't expect to find him any time soon."

"Further instructions?"

"T'Soni has organised transport to Omega. Inform us once you arrive."

* * *

James and Kaidan sat at a small table at Apollo's, looking out over the Presidium. The grand, sweeping view of brilliant blue and green that had once greeted visitors was no more. The damage caused when the Crucible had fired would take years to mend, even with the Keepers going at it night and day. As it was, a broken skyline and grey fog was all that greeted the diners.

A turian waiter put two plates in front of them. Steak and vegetables. Simple food, but a luxury during these times. Not bad at all for a farewell dinner. The two of them had decided to come out and farewell one more chapter of their lives. They were departing for the Terminus Systems tomorrow morning. This was probably the last decent meal they would have for some time.

"I don't understand where he gets this food from," Kaidan said. "He was pulling out steaks during the war as well. John loved it. God knows who his supplier is, but he could teach Alliance Logistical a thing or two about keeping people fed."

James was already digging in. He spoke around a mouthful of food. "Not too bad considering his poor turian heart would explode if he ever ate any of it."

Kaidan laughed and picked up his knife and fork and joined James. It actually tasted like real beef. Not too bad at all. As he ate, his eyes drifted over the white lines running down his wrists. The treatment was going well. It would be a few more weeks before the scars were gone completely. Meanwhile the scar tissue was like a splinter stuck just beneath the skin, constantly reminding him of what had happened.

Kaidan hadn't realised that he was staring. He looked up and found James looking at him, concern painted on his face.

"Everything good, amigo?"

Kaidan licked his lips nervously as he pulled his sleeves down. "I'm fine. Really. They'll be gone soon. I need to focus on what's ahead, not what's behind."

"It's all good man. Some scars take longer to heal, and they're not all flesh and blood."

"I know. Thanks James. For everything. I'll be fine."

James flashed him a reassuring smile as the two of them started eating again. If only Kaidan could hear the voice in the back of James' mind sigh and whisper to itself.

_No Kaidan. You won't. But when you do fall, I'll be there._


	8. Part 8 - Decision

_A/N: Hello all. Apologies for the lengthy delay in getting this one up. It's the usual excuse of work unfortunately. I'll try and get the next chapter up by the end of next week, just to try and get some regularity going again. Thanks to all of those who have followed and liked the story, and to those who have sent messages. Apologies if I don't get around to responding to them all personally. I do read them though, I do listen. So without further delay, here's some James and Kaidan action. As always, I hope that you enjoy.  
_

* * *

**Part 8 – Decision**

The _Normandy _was silent. It always was this early in the morning. The night shift was still on the command deck, but otherwise the mess hall was abandoned. The crew slept silently in their beds. Kaidan preferred it this way. Dark and quiet. A lifetime of crippling migraines had taught him the virtues of solace. The blinding lights of nightclubs, the deep beat and throb of loud music, and the press of people had always frightened him somewhat. Over time they had become the harbingers of pain. It was the quiet that Kaidan craved most nights.

That was what had driven him from his quarters at such an early hour. Only this time it wasn't the incessant screaming of society that had forced him from his bunk. Something far more insidious had pried him from his sleep. This time it was death. Memories pierced the dark veil of his mind like knives. The buzz in his ears, the sensitivity of his eyes, and the tingling in his fingers all told him differently though. He could feel the inevitable migraine. It was coming, and it was going to hurt.

Through the cloud of anger, loss, and pain a subtle and far more pernicious emotion gnawed at him. Guilt. He had sat waist deep in water, slumped over in pain, and firing wildly at advancing groups of geth. Blue fire had danced around his hands as he'd lashed out with his biotics. Blood poured from a wound in his side. And when it all seemed hopeless, when it looked as though he was about to die watching his lifeblood bleed out of him, that was when Shepard had arrived.

Commander Shepard had appeared in a hail of gun fire and a whirlwind of biotic rage. Kaidan had never seen anything like it. Wherever Shepard looked, geth died. He'd heard Kaidan's call for help. Kaidan drew on what little strength he had left and tried to pulled himself to his feet. It was only then that he had heard the roar of the _Normandy _arriving, and Shepard appeared beside him.

"Are you alright?"

The question was lost in the howl of _Normandy's_ engines. Shepard had taken one look at Kaidan's wounds and thrown him over his shoulder. And as they flew away and Saren's base died in a flash of nuclear fire, Kaidan had laid there on the shuttle floor as the medics worked to stem the flow of blood, with only one question in his mind.

Why? That simple question sounded deep inside of him. But no matter how he thought of it, no answer came to him. Even as the medics pumped his body full of pain relief medication, Kaidan knew that for him to be alive someone else had to have died. Why had Shepard saved him and not her?

He looked up and forced his eyes open. Kaidan hadn't realised it, but a few stray tears ran down his cheeks. He took a deep breath and tried to compose himself, brushing them away with the back of his hand. The past few days had been bad enough. He was determined not to turn into a crying wreck. He was trying to be rational about it all. It was part of the service. It was a risk that came with the uniform. That didn't stop it from hurting though. Ash was dead. That was that.

A door on the other side of the hall opened and Kaidan looked up. Commander Shepard walked in. He looked as upset as Kaidan felt. Gone was the confident swagger. It had been replaced by hunched shoulders and a haunted look. It took John Shepard a moment to realise that he wasn't alone, and when he noticed Kaidan he nodded grimly as he walked over to the kitchen and started fiddling around the coffee pot. Kaidan was tempted to leave. He wasn't sure that Shepard wanted someone around right now. Kaidan honestly wasn't sure that he wanted to be around Shepard.

_Why did you let her die?_

Kaidan gritted his teeth, but before he could make himself stand he found his eyes wandering over the back of Shepard as he worked at the sink. Not for the first time, Kaidan drew a longing gaze over those broad shoulders and the narrow waist. He felt his heart skip a beat, and his breath shorten. For a brief moment, the sense of longing in Kaidan grew and he forgot the oncoming migraine. What he wouldn't have given to take those hands, especially now, and comfort him.

Not for the first time Kaidan cursed the asari girl that Shepard had taken a liking to. Kaidan couldn't help but wonder where she was.

_ I should leave._ Kaidan thought. _This is bad enough without me tempting fate._

Shepard decided the matter for him. He turned from the sink holding a cup and made a line straight for Kaidan, giving him a sympathetic took as he nodded to the chair.

"Mind if I join you?"

"Sure, Commander" Kaidan replied, hoping that he didn't sound as bitter as he felt.

"Are you sure? I can understand if you want to be alone."

"No. Please sit, sir."

Shepard sighed as he took a seat and for a moment the two of them sat in silence. There was no discomfort in it. The two of them were just content to sit and wait until one of them spoke. Kaidan watched the expression on Shepard's face as he looked into his mug, as though the answers were floating there in the coffee. The way his brow creased and the corners of his eyes tensed made Kaidan wince. He noticed Shepard's hands were gripping the mug tightly, his knuckles were white.

"It's not your fault, you know," Kaidan said. He didn't know if he meant it. "We all take risks. It comes with the job. Ash knew that."

"I should have -"

"Should have what, sir?" Kaidan asked. "There was no right or wrong."

"I should have put a bullet in him on New Eden. I knew there was something off about that bastard, and now Ash is dead!"

"Left or right, it didn't matter, sir. Saren made sure that someone was going to die."

Shepard shook his head sadly and sipped at his coffee. There was something about that simple gesture that brought a surge of sympathy in Kaidan. He suddenly saw not the commander, but a man. Life in the military was rife with decisions that other people usually had to live with. And here was one man trying to cope with a decision that he had made and someone else had paid for.

"I can't tell you that it was right or wrong," Kaidan said. The words seemed to come on their own accord. "Saren needs to be stopped. Ash wasn't the first person that he killed, nor will she be the last. You made a choice, and now you move on."

"If I'd been faster, maybe I could have-"

"You can't save everyone" Kaidan snapped. "Try to, and you'll end up saving no one."

Loosing men in combat was hard. It was a part of the job that they never advertised in recruitment ads. For good officers it was torment. Kaidan knew that Shepard had probably been sitting in his quarters for the past few hours examining everything that he had done on Virmire with a very critical eye. And probably finding fault with everything. But combat was like a force of nature. It showed no bias, and had a habit of ruining the best laid plans.

But as Kaidan sat there the guilt returned. It was like a cloak being settled on his shoulders. Since seeing that nuclear cloud rise above the ruins on Virmire the horrible truth of Ash's sacrifice had sunk in. That question returned and it demanded an answer. He knew that Shepard had sat here trying to find an escape from his own torments, but Kaidan needed an answer.

"Why did you do it?" Kaidan asked. "Why save me?"

Shepard looked up and those dark eyes seemed to come to life. Kaidan actually gasped. The intensity in them was shocking. It was as though a light had been turned on behind them. There was no anger or denial in them, only shock. Shepard's mouth opened and closed a few times, but no words came out. The two of them sat there, too long Kaidan knew, and simply stared at one another. In a dark recess of his soul, a place that hadn't been touched in years, a voice that Kaidan had longed learned to ignore whispered the answer back to him. But he didn't listen.

A lump formed at the back of Kaidan's throat as Shepard slowly stood. The confusion painted on his face said more than he could. He shot Kaidan a quick glance, and they both saw the tears and uncertainty in each other's eyes before Shepard turned and left Kaidan sitting there.

The door slid shut with all the finality of an executioner's hood being slid over someone's head. Kaidan watched if for a few moments, the tears running freely now. He hung his head into his hands again and moaned softly. The migraine was coming. It was going to hurt.

* * *

Kaidan woke with a gasp. The sheets were tangled around his legs and sweat was dripping off him. It took him a moment to realise where he was and calm his racing heart. The dark cabin was empty, save for James who slept in another cot on the other side of the room. The gentle snoring coming from there at least meant Kaidan hadn't woken James. After a few moments his heart slowed, and he took a second to look around.

The cabin was small. The two cots were only a few feet apart. A table sat between them with a computer terminal on it. Beside the lockers at the foot of their beds there was nothing else in the room. James and Kaidan had been shuffled in here by the ship's captain as a matter of convenience more than anything else. There was room, so they would take it.

He lay there for a minute, trying to get back to sleep, but it quickly became apparent that wasn't going to happen. The more Kaidan tried to focus on sleep, the less likely it seemed possible. Stifling a sigh, he threw the sheets aside and slid out of bed. Kaidan slipped on a pair of loose trousers before quietly leaving. James was still snoring as the door closed.

The hallways were dimly lit. The ship followed a 24 hour day-night cycle. According to a clock on the wall it was 0330. Kaidan groaned, realising that he was probably in for another sleepless night. The dreams had changed since the hospital. The dark edge had gone, but Kaidan still found himself shocked awake most nights as his sleeping mind drifted back over the past.

He stood for a moment and listened to the dull hum of the ship's engines. He could feel the slight vibration beneath his bare feet. The sensations relaxed him a bit, and before too long he set off down the short hallway to the mess.

The _Lucen_ was a fair enough ship. It certainly wasn't the _Normandy_, but Kaidan couldn't find fault considering what it was meant to do. The vessel was a retrofitted merchant ship. No one had questioned where Liara had managed to pull it from, nor how quickly it had managed to arrive. Hannah Shepard had given her a lingering look when Liara had volunteered the services of a specialist crew she knew. Nor had anyone really tried to explain the amount of deference the crew showed towards her. It was all conveniently ignored.

The ship's layout was just like any other merchant vessel that Kaidan had been on. A central corridor ran the length of the ship, ending in the bridge. Large shipping containers were fitted to the flanks, providing more room for the crew and their gear. It was the equipment that made the ship stand out. Kaidan wasn't a pilot, although he figured that the ship handled like a bathtub, but he was a tech specialist. And just a casual glance around told Kaidan everything that he needed to know. The _Lucen_ was built for intelligence gathering.

The mess was located towards the rear of the ship. The shipping containers allowed the ship to be divided up neatly into sections, and the mess occupied one of these sections. They had been aboard now for three days and Kaidan had figured out that, just like on the _Normandy_, the mess was usually abandoned this late. This wasn't his first sleepless night.

Kaidan padded into the barren mess hall and stood for a moment. The ranks of cold steel tables sat bare. He took a moment before walking to the far side of the room. A panel on the wall glowed red until Kaidan passed a hand in front of it, then a pleasant green. A section of the wall slid away to reveal a large transparent section of the hull. The void of space stretched out before him. The smattering of stars laid out against the quiet night were broken only by the gentle blue ripples of their FTL drives as they tunnelled through space.

He took a moment, breathed deep, then sat cross legged before the scene. A moment later he closed his eyes and let his thoughts wander. In his minds eye Kaidan imagined a candle flame slowly swaying back and forth. Then, one by one, he took each thought that drifted through his head and fed it into that little flame. Soon it was the emotions that he felt. Be it joy or rage, fear or relief, love or loneliness, all of them go into the flame.

A hand on his shoulder brought him back with a start. He looked up to see James smiling down at him.

"Hey," James said. "I called out. I didn't mean to bother you."

Kaidan gave a nervous smile before responding. "It's alright. Sorry that I didn't hear you."

James was wearing a pair of shorts and a marine issued singlet. He sat down next to Kaidan and looked out of the window for a few seconds before turning to him.

"What were you doing?"

Kaidan thought for a moment before answering. "Do you remember Samara?"

A smile broke over James' face. "The mad asari warrior princess?"

Kaidan couldn't help but laugh at the choice of words. "Yeah, that's her. I never got a chance to work with her, but when we were at that party John had in Anderson's old apartment, I told her about my migraines. A couple of days later she sent me a few files on asari mediation techniques."

James gave him a questioning look, a nervous smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "You were meditating?"

Kaidan rolled his eyes and slapped James on the shoulder. "I'm not going to start talking about the goddess if that's what you're worried about. But it seems to help take the edge off some of the migraines. When you've been dealing with them for as long as I have, you learn to try whatever you can."

"Not sleeping well?"

There was something in the tone of James' voice that made Kaidan look over at him. All it took was one look in his eyes for Kaidan to see the truth.

"Shit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," Kaidan stammered. "I can ask Liara if there's somewhere else that I can sleep."

James grunted. "Don't be stupid, amigo. It's not good to keep that sort of stuff buried deep. It has a way of festering and making you sick. Was it Shepard?" The last bit came hesitantly, as though James was worried about saying his name.

Kaidan thought for a moment about just how much he would talk about. James was right. If he left this inside it would just rot. He tried that and it had nearly killed him. He took a deep breath before answering.

"It just hit me while I was asleep. The first hint that I had about how John felt about me. And you know what? I don't even think he knew about it to be honest."

"When?"

"After Virmire. We were in the mess on the _Normandy_ and I asked why he chose me over Ash. The look on his face said it all, James. But I was too stupid to recognise it. He didn't say anything. He just stood up and left me there and I only just realised it then. He let Ash die for me."

James gave a low whistle as he shook his head. Kaidan lowered his eyes as a new wave of shame swept up over him. Ash had died, not for duty as everyone believed, but because that deep down in a part of his heart that John hadn't recognised, he had wanted Kaidan. John had thrown away a woman's life to save Kaidan's.

"You know, James, people think the world of John. But I got to see him when the doors were closed. I got to see the man beneath the mask. The doubt and the uncertainty. He was human, James. Very human. Living with that is just as hard as living with his legend."

James lowered his eyes and seemed to mull over what he had said. Kaidan couldn't help me think about how different James was to John. Where John had been calculating and concise, James was brash and terse to the point of cruelty. But he never made that last leap to become a bad person. Simply put, he wasn't. He was what his life had made him. Betrayed, hurt and forced to watch his closest friends die, it was a miracle that James still retained a sense of decency. It was as though each blow in his life had made him more determined to be a good person.

There was a few moments of silence before James suddenly reached out and placed a hand on Kaidan's arm, bringing his gaze towards him. His hands were hard and calloused.

"That burden, and that honour, will be yours to bear forever, Kaidan. No one is perfect, least of all any of us. Shepard was human. Look how fucked up some of us are. There's nothing saying that Shepard had to be any different. What made him different, what made him special, was that he let his concious rule his actions. I know what you're thinking. He didn't kill Ash to save you. What led to her death, was outside of his control. All Shepard did was save the man he didn't know he loved yet."

"You don't understand," Kaidan said. "He made that choice for me. He never asked me what I thought of it. He just did it. Even years later, he never spoke of it."

James thought carefully before answering. "Did I ever tell you that on Felh Prime, I let every one of those colonists die? Did you know that?"

Kaidan frowned as he regarded James. "What are you talking about? The report stated that the Collectors killed them."

James shot a long look out the window, obviously far away. "I had a choice to make. I could save those colonists, those men, women and children, or I could salvage intelligence that would help the Alliance. But I couldn't do both. I chose the intel, Kaidan. I let those people die. And just to give me one last kick in the balls, I later found out it was all for nothing. Shepard gutted those alien bugs before my intel even made it back to Alliance HQ. I still dream about those people some nights."

Kaidan sat shocked. He tried to speak, but the words died on his tongue. They didn't seem appropriate somehow. The silence dragged out between the two of them, and all that Kaidan could think of was just how wrong James was.

"You did what you thought was right, James. The Collectors killed those people, not you."

"They died for nothing, Kaidan. I could have saved them all. They were relying on me to save them, and I let them all down. They died know that I failed them. That I had left them."

Kaidan reached over and placed a hand on James shoulder. He felt warm in the cool air of them mess.

"You actions would have saved countless lives. No one in the Alliance was expecting Shepard to come back from the dead. You couldn't know, so you did what you thought was right at the time."

"Just like Shepard did on Virmire," James said. "I know why I did what I did. Just like he did, amigo. That's my burden to bear, just like it was his. You have got to stop living in Shepard's shadow. You are your own man. He wasn't perfect, and he made mistakes just like the rest of us. What matters is that he loved you as he did."

The void of space caught Kaidan's eye again, and he found himself looking out over that vast expanse, his mind wandering again. As he sat there and let the guilt wash away, James' hand slipped down until it rested on Kaidan's wrist. Kaidan smiled. Where John was smooth, James was rough. Where John was thoughtful, James seemed impulsive. Where John stood back, James rushed forward. For the moment it was enough to simply sit and take solace in each other.

* * *

Later, James walked back into the small cabin that he and Kaidan shared. He'd left Kaidan sitting in the mess hall. Once it was clear that Kaidan was going to be alright, James had excused himself. He let the door close behind him and stood here in the dark for a moment.

James hadn't realised that his heart was racing. He looked down at his hand and shook his head in an effort to clear it.

_Jesus Christ _he thought. _What did I just do?_

He'd woken to Kaidan's dreaming each night that they had roomed together on the _Lucen_. Some nights it was words, half mumbled sentences uttered in the dead of night. Other times it was tears and gasps. James watched each night as Kaidan lay there trapped in the prison of his memories. It was during those late hours that James remembered what Liara had said when the two of them had stood there in Huerta Memorial.

_We'll bring him back, James, no matter what._

Slowly, James clenched his fist and looked up at the roof. Liara had spoken out of a desperate need to drag a friend back from the edge. He clenched his hands into fists. Now James understood, and he found that he meant it too. With every fibre of his being. He would bring Kaidan back from this. No matter what.


End file.
